The Zapping Holiday Diaries

The Florida 2010 Diaries ~ Part 3

2010-12-31T00:39:00.000-08:00

Read part one here...
Read part two here...

Friday 4th December 2010 ~

Ooo the day at Disney Hollywood Studios was the best day :) Once again we were pretty much the first at the ticket gate due to still waking up at a totally ridick hour. Today, this worked in our favour. Much like the X Factor with Cher Lloyd, Disney has created a monster with Toy Story Midway Mania. This was much much worse that the racing to rides at any other park. Parents had walkie talkies, telling kids that the slightest delay would impact on how long they had to wait and totally ruin their day/life and it would all be that child's fault. i exaggerate not. I was first at my ticket booth and when non nipple gazing Disney cast member opened it up, my entrance pass wouldn't go through. Oops. "ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!" screamed the normally delightful (probably) mom (with a lot of spit on my neck. Ew) behind me. Sheesh! Then we were all led by a velvet rope to the ride and I let Darren do his best. I am rubbish at barging past people in an angry mob, but Darren has no such compunction. He is like the emotionless Dexter of crowd control. He weaves in and out expertly, taking kids down and even had time to stop and glare at an old fella who ran over his foot with a motorised scooter. By the time I had (fairly speedily) got to the ride, Darren had put seething Disney moms to shame by getting fast passes and meeting me at the start of the minimal line. Amazes.

As we waited in line, we put the fastpasses away (9.43am - 10.43am) and a different normally delightful probably mom behind me announced loudly in her best WASP passive-aggressive tone to no one in particular "I think it's so unfair when adults with no kids get fastpasses. It takes them selfishly away from families". "Kids are baby goats" I retorted "and we're getting two more fast passes for tonight when we get off" I added just as Disney crew member asked for a party of two and I minced past about 20 people to the front of the line. SCORE!

(the ride, if you haven't been on it is brilliantly simplistic 4-D shooting game that anyone can do and is ridiculously fun. And yes, by the time we had ridden it, gone for a jimmy riddle and joined the fifteen minute line just to get later fastpasses, we got some of the last few and rode it for a third time just before the lights were switched on for the Christmas spectacular. Three times, no lines. Brillopants. Even more brillopants was that we saw selfish fastpasses passive aggressive mom just as we got out of the fastpass line for the 2nd time and I waved the tickets at her. she looked furious and probably ranted non-stop to her poor hen pecked husband about it. i felt no guilt. Ooo maybe I'm Dexter!)

So after avoiding 100 minute long lines for Toy Story Mania, we pretty much partook of everything the park had to offer - rides, shows, Disney museum and oh, American Idol: The Experience. This is essentially a mini version of the show. if you so desire you can audition and they choose the best 3 from each audition session to sing to the audience at 5-6 shows during the day. I was going to audition for a laugh but they didn't have Cee-Lo's F*** You. I can understand that, but they didn't even have mariah's all I want for christmas is you. Surely that is a crime against Santa?! Anyway, the show we watched had a pre-audience warm up from Disney Crew Member Mike - WHO HAD LONGER FINGERS THAN DEVON!! - and interspersed with "how great is this attraction" clips from people like Ryan Seacrest, Lee Dwayze, Kris Allen, David Cook, Adam Lambert, Jordin Sparks, some guy who came 5th last year and had won the guaranteed audition ticket that each ultimate daily winner gets and uh Justin Guarini. Clearly Kelly and Carrie are too successful (and Ryan is contractually obligated). We got some grizzled old navy seal doing a not sexy Sway (old and navy as in woo the troops, not the store, though judging from his too bright fleece, who knows?), some Justin Beiber wannabe, nervous as heck, Christian choir singing kid called Eric and some girl called Sarah, who if she was on the x-factor would get through just because she is quirky. Not because she could sing. Though she ennunciated mouthally worse than the vicar of dibley in the songs of praise episode. We voted for Eric because a) it was his birthday and apparently we have killed enough kids dreams today with our fast pass selfishness and b) one day he will realise he won't be giving his parents grandkids. As the seats next to us were empty too, they voted for Eric and he won the chance to sing in the night's finale (which we didn't watch). Woo hoo dreams restored.

Other highlights:

Darren agreeing to come and see the hideously edited Beauty and the Beast musical (30 mins! no Human Again! only half of Gaston! Surely they could have changed it to the Christmas one?) becaause he knows it is one of my favourite musicals of all time.
Darren doing his BEST ACTING EVER when at said musical, the couple behind had their maps out and were planning the rest of their day! DURING THE TITLE SONG! "Do you mind, i'm trying to watch this" he chided and made it sound entirely plausible even though i know he was bored silly.
The Osborne Spectable of Dancing Lights being turned on at dusk with fake snow and Christmas music. It really is quite lovely and I was filled with christmas spirit (possibly the festive margherita I was drinking to wash away the taste of cardboardy pretzel I had just bought. Yuck = buyer's remorse). Everyone seemed genuinely happy away from the pressure of Toy Story and I even fist bumped a guy in passing wearing a "Dudes marry dudes, get over it" t-shirt. Joy to the world indeed!!

More soon!!

The Florida 2010 Diaries ~ Part Two

2010-12-17T05:01:00.000-08:00

Wednesday 1st December 2010:

Hurrah. It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas. It's the first of December and despite warnings of a sharp temperature drop, it turns out to be the hottest first of December in Orlando for yonks. Luckily, The Magic Kingdom (now the second most magical place on earth) has decked their halls and I'm ready to fa la la along with the Disney crew. Amazeballs. We arrive at the opening gate with about ten minutes to spare and enjoy a nice little sing and dance routine. This is like the contents of my head come to life because each morning, I imagine that life IS a song and dance routine. It's all very twee and looks of wonderment abound, etc. Charming. And then the gates open...

Let the memories begin indeed. It is a scene of carnage and devastation as parents grab, pull and drag their children and run through the not that busy main street to get to the attractions first. "Mommy, it's cindy-wella's castle" pants one breathless little girl. "Yeah yeah, i've seen it before, we will look later" chides the trotting mare of a mother. "I need the toilet" whines another probably desperate little boy. "Well i hope you know we will spend most the day in lines now" fumes his dad. Good grief. Way to embrace the enchantment.

The part was fairly empty. I've done my research. I know which parks will be quietest on which days and which order to do the fastpasses/rides. It involves a bit of (darren) criss-crossing and lots of walking but it totally works. Though the lines are minimal for the magic kingdown we seem to remain one step ahead all day - arriving to walk onto rides just as queues build up behind us. I think the haunted mansion is my fave, though I must once again express (milk) my disappointment that they don't Nightmare Before Christmas it all up like they do in California.

The jungle cruise - always a hoot - was delightful for one reason: Unfeasibly long fingered camp chicken Devon. He did a brilliant southern accent "I do declare" which reminded me of Dame Annie from Sunset Beach. And he made an amazing Shakira-muppets waka waka joke that I don't entirely recall now, but made me chortle even if it went over everyone elses head. Go twink Devon!

Was a lovely day until we got totally and horribly lost on the way back to the hotel. What a bummer. The gleaming light of hope was a Super Target with a starbucks where a nice barista directed us while I enjoyed a delicious white chocolate mocha with peppermint. Yummy. Coming out of the store, Darren asked me why I had bought People magazine (it's usually shite isn't it?) "Oh to have a perv over the 25 sexiest men" I answered loudly strolling through the parking lot. A rough looking dude in a pick up WITH AN ACTUAL RED NECK looked well angry at this so I quickly said in a well butch gruff voice "oh i mean lady dudes with beautiful pussies." One can't be too careful - he had God stickers on his car and according to the news, there has already been rapes, murders and muggings. Delightful...

Thursday 2nd December 2010:

The morning news is still about rapes murders and muggings (and now police brutality. Some old geezer sassed a cop and got his neck broken. Harsh.) None of these are the top stories. No sirreebob. There are two far more important stories. One is the cold snap that has dropped the temperature 10 degrees in Orlando. It is now a little bit chilly. There are clips of people at Walmart in shorts and a t-shirt with a blanket wrapped round them going "this wind chill is gonna kill me. Imma gonna go Miami" Incredible. The other story is Susan Boyle showing the limits of her voice on some tv show where she croaks, pulls a face and asks if she can start again. On live tv. Silly SuBo. Oh how I longed to be on twitter. You can now pinpoint on youtube the moment when she realises that if she ever had to sing more than one song on a tv talent show, she wouldn't be where she is now. VIVA MARY BYRNE!!!

Oh, ok, it was actually quite chilly waiting for Animal Kingdom to open. My nipples were clearly visible through my favourite Unsung Hero t-shirt (Discotheque). Crew member Aaron at the ticket gate could barely take his eyes off them. I'm sure I had a "my face is up here mister" moment with him!! People in the line were having a right good natter about the best strategy to get to Everest before anyone else. I love a bit of organisational strategy but this was mind numblingly dull and a moot point because a) it's not very good and b) they walk you there behind a velvet rope. VELVET ROPE! (Janet Jackson) One woman was so eager to be first, she practically straddled Aaron's rope. I bet it gave her the best ride of the day. Thanks to our excellent ropework we were on and off in less than ten minutes.

More rides followed (including Dinosaur, which was like behing shaken from behind. In the dark. For ten minutes). The highlight was definitely the Kilimanjiro Safaris. Not for the slightly racist white truck driver whose African game reserve accent was more Jamican than anything else (he was no Devon). Not it was for the batty old woman behind. She was brilliant. Couldn't see a baby rhino not 10 feet from her line of vision yet she came out with (what I thought were) hilarious one liners like (when a herd of graceful gazel were pointed out) "oh i wish I had a gun"!! & (when some ostrich eggs were spotted) "mmm omelettes"! Amazeballs. There were lots of tuts and shushs but I thought she was brillo. Rock it bonkers Granny!

Felt need for shopping. Went to mall. Bumped into someone from Darren's gym. It's a small world after all...

More soon!

The Florida 2010 Diaries ~ part one

2010-12-14T00:57:00.000-08:00

Monday 29th November 2010:

Hurrah (said in a deeply sarcastic voice). It is travel day. The only downside to a dream holiday is the amount of time it takes to get there. Manchester to Orlando in "just 8 hours" is a bit of a lie because it becomes over 12 hours once you (x) factor in check in, immigration, car pick up, etc. Still it's freezing cold and I'm happy that the plane isn't snowed in. Leaving the de-icer in the car though was a bit of a neddy no no. It is beyond cold and my fingers can barely wrap around it. While Darren takes the difficult job of warming the car up ("my body heat will help the temperature rise"), I fumbled around with the piddly de-icer that instead of releasing a magnificent ice killing spray, a single jet emerged making the job twice as hard. By the time I was done, my gloves were actually frozen to the can. Yeeshk.

At check in, I managed to charm slender check in dude into upgrading our seats. I can be very delightful when I want to be. We went straight through to the executive lounge (block capital alert) BECAUSE THERE IS NO STARBUCKS AT MANCHESTER AIRPORT!!! I wept. AND IT WAS THE WORST EXECUTIVE LOUNGE EVER> For starters it was tiny and overbooked. I had to squeeze in next to a sour faced looking lady who was so obese her body cascaded like jelly over the few inches into my chair. The "full menu" included cold toast and dry croissants. Yum. And they guy who looked like Storm Lee opposite me opened an unwelcome conversation with "God, I hope there are no asians on this flight." HOW RUDE. I mean what do you say to that. I gave him a withering look and shifted away from the racist bigot. God, people can be vile.

Amazingly, the flight was actually quite nice. Decent seats, ok food, not too crowded. I settled down, started reading Next Queen of Heaven by Gregory Maguire (of Wicked fame) and watched Disney's A Christmas Carol (Jim Carrey not brilliant Muppets version), Easy A (it's no Mean Girls but it had it's moments, a decent soundtrack and a yum Penn Badgeley) and Toy Story 3. This is still emotionally devastating and I was weeping from the hand-hold of Jessie and Buzz right through to the end. Sniffle. It was almost ruined halfway through when a bloke walked past my chair and let out a blast of bottom wind so hot and forceful that it went straight to my eyes and throat. It burnt and stung for a good ten minutes. Vile. He did have the good grace to look chagrinned on the walk back. Vile.

Arrived. Got car. Went to hotel. Checked in. Slept. See you tomorrow!!

Tuesday 30th November 2010:

Of course I was up ridiculously early - about 4am. Oh well. This means I had time to catch up on Glee and Entertainment Weekly before a full day out at Universal Island of Adventure. We get a nice cooked breakfast as part of our hotel suite package. We went down to enjoy it, and while we were waiting (no one was around), Darren helped himself to a coffee - only to be interrupted by a large woman called Shaneisha who yelled "oh no you di'n't" and chased us out (LITERALLY) into the actual cooked breakfast room next door. Oops. The thief.

We went straight to Universal IofA because I could not wait to experience the Harry Potter stuff they had built since I was last here (2008). $15 to park the car!! I was agog and aghast (is Marius in love at last). I've bent over for less... Are they not making enough from sales of the slightly yucky butterbear... Still, all parked up, we were a bit early so went for a yummy starbucks. So much cheaper than the UK and so much more choice. On the advice of TRWhite88 I had a salted caramel hot chocolate, which the entire store (ie 2 staff and Darren) were watching intently to see if I would enjoy. it was nice, then different, then unusual but overall I've had worse in my mouth and swallowed so I think I will probably have one again.

There was a bit of a line to get in, which were quite close to the front of. There was a charming British family in front who were intent on having a good time - mom "Shannon, stop being stressed because then you will stress me out and then it will get all unpleasant". (All Shannon had said was "i'm looking forward to Flight of the Hippogriff"). Dad "if you don't take that look off your face, I will slap you silly". charming. Someone set Bellatrix LeStrange on their arses!! Once the park had opened, I expected people to run to Hogsmeade, but there were quite a lot of large people and large people in motorised scooters so we easily power walked past them to the part of the part where the descriptive words of JK Rowling came to life. And bloody amazing it was too. I decree it the new most magical place on earth. Hogsmeade and Hogswart look as real as anything you've seen in the movies and a meticulous attention to detail reveals fantastic delights everywhere. The rides are pretty wonderful too with Journey into the Forbidden Forest being the giddy best. Though it did make me feel a bit pukey. I'm not quite the rollercoaster riding spring chicken I used to be...

The rest of the day was a pleasant whirl of rides and shows. Incredibly hot day and not too busy so went back to hotel to have a bit of a relax. Plus wanted to catch up on my 2nd favourite famous couple (after Katilliam) - Gyllenswift/Swillenhall! Love it...

More tomorrow....

Austria (August 2009) Diaries - part two

2009-09-14T07:06:00.000-07:00

part one here... (essential to read before this part, obv)
holiday photos here...

Tuesday 11th August:

NB to Monday - how could I forget Rhythm of the Rain by Jason Donovan? It occurred to me last night when there was heavenly torrential downpour and illicit tipsy activities were undertaken like stealing a parasol from a cafe bar and running home under it. Then there was thunder. All through the night. Did not see Jesus in the morning light as promised by Prince (possibly due to now being criminal element)...
Forgot to mention that have been reading (now finished - Poppy and Kwame 4eva, etc) Diary Of A Snob with my thumb positioned over the S, thus drawing withering glance of STRW from plane and loud titters of chav family in fake kappa "trackies". Oh dear.
Went on ANOTHER forest hike today and was soon "sweating buckets" from steepness of The Climb (miley cyrus). Decided to turn back after an hour as path was becoming less and less pathlike and due to thinness of air, I was having an out of body experience and thinking I was in Lost and was sensible doctor, Jack...
I was sensible doctor Jack mixed with other Matthew Fox(y) character Charlie, from weepfest Party of Five (now airing on Hallmark channel fact fans). Darren was actual Charlie from Lost (but with clearner fingernails and no drugs stuffed inside Virgin Mary). Nice Austrian woman at edge of forest/civilisation was crazy Russo and her husband chomping on his pipe was Smoke Monster. It took 2 raspberry jaffa cakes to bring me back to reality.
After 2 hour exhausting trek and gently mosey around village, sensible thing to do seemed to be to go to hotel gym. MP3 player still DNR so I did 40 mins of laps in quite chilly pool (due to be quite high altitude, in clouds and outdoors) while singing every track from seminal 1989 Electric Youth...
Including all the acoustic and campfire mixes of songs I'd already sung.
Was going to do a gentle walk in the early evening up to Russerhof or Rasselheiner or something, but both sounded like strange lovechild of tv weirdies Elizabeth Hasselback or David "Call Me Hoff" Hasslehoff, so gave up on idea and played scrabble instead...

Wednesday 12th August:

How is it Wednesday already? Week is half over (celebrated American "hump" day with traditional dazpaz British hump this am) which means only a few days until I am back battling the rat race with the rest of the hoi polloi/wage slaves. The indignity of it all.
Am being adventurous today and crossing Austrian border to Germany today. Didn't even need passport, that is how free and liberal border control is nowadays. Not like when I cam back from Toronto to NY and had left a lollipop wrapper stuck to passport. Long story short, large borders control man Greg mistook it for a "tab" and poked his finger up my bum-oley looking for heroin whilst waiting for lab results on lollipop wrapper to prove my innocence...
Went up 6000ft mountain to Eagle's Nest, which was apparently a present to Hitler from the Nazi party in 1938 (hardly a party were they?!). What no HMV vouchers that year? You go up to it in this lift at end of tunnels dug into a mountain. Can't help but feel it was a bit of a crap gift as looney Hitler was claustrophobic, scared of heights and suffered from altitude sickness...
"Say what you want about the Nazi party" said chubby z-lebrity John from tv's Coach Trip (who was tour guide for the day) "but they were geniuses at engineering and architecture". Yes absolutely. That makes up for the slaughter of millions of Jews then - brilliant architecture.
Whole place is now a restaurant so was up there 2 hours with not much to do, though some quite nice mini hikes and pretty views. Didn't try the Schnitlerzel at the cafe, but the Eva Brownies were a culinary triumph :P
Also went down some cold damp bunker where Hitler hid from the air raids. Tour guide told us that if we felt through the gaps in the wall you could feel the original ceramic pipework. Excuse me for being a party pooper, but I ain't fingering Hitler's mouldy old hole for love nor money (excellent Debbie Gibson song title btw).
Have become absolute social butterfly in hotel dining room as now know all the guests including miserable old coot who complains about the price of strudel daily. Flit from table to table regaling them with brilliant anecdotes from the day. Eva Brownies was particularly beloved...

Thursday 13th August:

Woke up moody from continued kippus interruptus and continued mourning of MP3 player. Luckily have bought 3 books with me (finished 2, so just rereading The Deathly Hallows) and a plethora of magaines so have kept myself entertained and educated with my early morning risings...
Unhealthy addiction to cinnamon toast crunch cereal soon perked me up as did post brekkie dip in pool. Today I chose to sing every track from brilliant 2008 album "Pop" by Same Difference. Except Breaking Free which is now rendered redundant by We R One.
Forced Darren to go back to bed after swim as was very fatty-gay.
(*forced as in whined incessantly about his rubbish mattress and how tired I was, not forced in a rapey way!)
Did not want to waste whole day in bed (that is for the newly relationshipped and unemployed) so got back up just before noon and hiked up the quite high actually Kimmel Waterfalls. Is very steep trek so probably needed Sherpa, but footpaths and handrails were all I got. Was very pretty indeed even if spray-mist permeated every fibre of my being.
This of course meant thata sun tan lotion has run all down my face and I did not notice white streaky marks everywhere until I got to bottom (2 hours and passing multiple people later). Looked like an extra from Cum Guzzlers 3: Farm Hand Studs (Excellent movie by the way, great plot)...
Though am not a stud at moment. Feel old and fat. Must be psychological as when I breath in and look in the mirror, I look quite presentable, nay even do-able. Must be an R-Kelly thing (no, not sex with minors (ALLEGEDLY etc), but a "my mind's telling me no, but my body, my boooo-dy" etc)
Got back just before another torrential downpour. Stood on balcony watching all the people on street below running like crazy people. Tried ever so hard not to feel smug, but is very hard when you are a non-parasol stealing, law abiding and dry citizen...
Citizen! Reminds me of the 60s batman tv show reruns ("Citizens of Gotham!") ~ Robin was well alluring in his heyday. Pity he aged horribly.
Which is actually what people say about me so I am reminding myself that it is inner beauty that counts and there I am a stunner!

Friday 14th August:

Realised today that finding interesting and "witty" things to write about in the very laxidaisical St Johann on a daily basis is actually quite a feat. Am now quite proud of my observational skills as there are only so many ways that you can write "went up a hill" and make it scintillating.
Although we did actually go up another hihll today and it was ridiculously steep. Practically vertical (not horizontal as I mortifyingly and accidentally told a couple at dinner. No wonder they looked unimpressed). It was quite hot again as well, so once again the sweat glands were working overtime. Or as my possibly racially and gaybo intolerant old aunt used to say "horses sweat, navvies perspire, but ladies and poofters merely twinkle"...
Which is quite lovely and poetic in a twisted sort of way, I feel...
I better have lost weight on this holiday - have hiked and biked everywhere and not really had desire to stuff face. Although I did have a white Magnum ice cream the other day, and haven't actually "been" to the toilet since I got here, so it's no wonder that I feel a bit doughy...
Also noticed that in photos this week, my face is very liney, like lovely Sean from Same Difference. I am of the ilk where I like to think lines add a bit of character to my face whereas Darren will do everything in his power to eradicate his. Maybe I should be a bit more diligent with the L'Oreal for Men Wrinkle Decrease though...
Because I'm worth it too :)
Time to go home now. Thanks for having me...

Austria August 2009 Diaries

2009-08-16T05:34:00.000-07:00

Saturday August 8th:

Usually I enjoy the people watching of the airport, but I was surviving on 4 hours of sleep and a 3.30am wake up call so most of it passed me by. I do remember being vaguely outraged that there is no longer a Starbucks at Birmingham airport, merely a (prepare to shudder in horror everyone) Costa Coffee. How hideous :/
The plane flight was a brisk 1 hour and 45 minutes - just enough time to get stuck into one of my holiday reads, Diary of A Snob by Grace Dent. I do not think these things out. It has a bright pink cover with a lipstick on it and it drew a withering glance from Snooty Times Reading Woman (STRW) next to me... (I realised why later in the week!)
People don't half get dead excited by the food on the plane. It was sausage and eggs breakfast and I truly think that people believed a guy called Ed in a chef's hat had scrambled the eggs over a hot stove at the front on the plane. Ninnies.
Ed had clearly scrambled the eggs with evil because they tasted like baby vomit (and I would know, my nephew once threw up in my face). Darren said the sausage was nice, but I am choosy and I wasn't about to gorge on Ed's meat after his sloppy evil eggs...
STRW prayed to mother nature over her vegetarian option (seriously - God knows why because there was nothing natural there at all), but then thought better of eating it and just pocketed the prepacked muffin into her "fannypack" (ooer, etc)...
Miracle of miracles - our bags were (specifically) 2nd and 5th off the conveyer belt and we were soon directed to our hotel by holiday rep Peter - the gorgeous Hotel Dorfschmidt...
Not the Hotel Dogshit as some common as muck on the bottom of the Primark flip flops family tittered behind us on the coach. Savages...
Hotel was actually very gorgeous - incredibly old, like Madonna, and set at the foot of the Kitzbulehorn Mountain range so we had a view of those dusty peaks wherever we looked. Our room was quite boutique chic (massive walk in wardrobe) with a ginormous (love that word) balcony covered in delicious smelling flowers...
Of course this means that wasps are drawn to the balcony like a moth to the flame drawn by the fire so while Darren ignores them, I am pirohuetting around all over the place like Billy Elliot (only less graceful and without the Tonys) every time they come near. This means I barely get through a page of Diary... or even Entertainment Weekly (the one with abtastic Ryan Reynolds on the cover)...

Sunday 9th August:

My much needed boutique chic sleep was rudely interrupted. Monsieur (or Missure as someone at work spelt it in an email the other week! Lumme!) Dazricht of Panteloonemheimer's mattress creaked noisily every time he moved, which was quite often. I tried burying my head in the pillow but the creaks or his snoring (like a sailor on shore leave) soon wafted through. Booooo!!!
And then my mp3 (Archos) player died - completely kaput. This is obviously a tragedy of gargantuan proportions as it plays movies/tv shows too and I was halfway through an episode of Buffy, where Giles and Buffy's mom eat lots of candy and canoodle with each other.
And does no one remember that before the hugely overrated Twilight existed (yes I know I liked it initially, but i've seen through the smoke and mirrors now ta very much and tedious plotting and writing is tedious plotting and writing), Buffy had the best vampire love story ever with hunky brooding Angel (who btw would beat Edward Cullen to a pulp)?
Went to the welcome meeting where Peter Holiday Rep was very pleased to see us. Perhaps he gets very excited to see people not wearing lederhosen because he was soon assuring us that if we required ANYTHING, we could call on him anytime day or night. ANYTIME! Blimey luv, calm down - you might spaffle. I was fingering my ring at the time, so I think he got the message...
As it was boiling hot (not literally - I didn't boil), apparently the sensible thing to do is go on the keep fit jogging trail up through the forest into the mountains. It was almost treacherous with little "stop drop and give me twenty" exercise signs everywhere. Call me lazy, but i'm not doing star jumps on the edge of a muddy ravine...
... so when we got back to the hotel, we made use of the gym and pool. I did some cycling. On a stationary bike. Inside. In austria. If you do not get the irony of this (and my slight misuse of the word irony) then there really is no hope for you is there?
The pool was nice though. Then we played mario party on the DS, which unlike gargantuan tragedy of my ka-put mp3 player (did I mention that?) is not broken. I was winning as Peaches right until the end when Darren/Yoshi practically molested 2 stars out of me. I don't think that little princess will ever recover :/
Sat with some nice people at dinner. I regaled them with stories of my office's broken sewer pipes. They were so enraptured that not one of them finished their schnitzel. Awww...

Monday 10th August:

Made the non-german speaking mistake of buying sparkling water last night from the local Spar (ooo how provincial). Went back this morning to get the one with the different label as assumed it was still. It was not still. Sparkling again! I am completely bamboozled.
Went up to Rattenberg and beautiful Lake Archanssee today (by cog powered railway Pete Waterman fans). Rattenberg is famous for some nun called Notburga who threw a sickle in the air and it never came down. Personally I think her name is a marketing person's dream, her creaky old bones on display in a church, not so much...
The lake (set up in a mountain) was proper pretty. It was quite cold as we were right in the clouds. Darren and I bought a value chocolate bar (Spar again) and walked round the like, but after about 6km, I was sick of being attacked by giant butterflies (they are terrifying) so we hiked back and went on a boat trip instead.
We sat next to a proper noddy on the boat trip though - he kept saying things like "the velocity of the water crashing down for thousands of years has created the most amazing rock formations. Sarah, take a picture". I swear I didn't mean to say "really professor Frink" out loud - or at least not out loud enough for him to hear ;)
It rained quite a bit - here are 5 songs about rain (in no particular order of brilliance) that I sang to an unappreciative Darren: Rain (Madonna); Naked In The Rain (Blue Pearl); Kiss The Rain (Billie Myers); Come On In Out of The Rain (Wendy Moten) and Here Comes The Rain (Eurythmics).
The day started with hearing the brilliant Martika's Kitchen, was punctuated by a Tyrolean radio station playing Jolene and La Isla Bonita and ended with a man at the hotel playing Black or White on a zitha. Don't ask!
Foodwise, the day started with Cinammon Toast Crunch (never had them before, utterly delicious - americans, please send box loads now as not available in England. I will email you address :P) was punctuated with that value chocolate bar and ended up chatting to a lovely family over some barbecue beef. When we asked their son what music he liked and he said "Enter Shakiri", I misheard and said "ooo I like Shakira" before I could even stop myself :/

Part two coming soon! All holiday snaps here!

THE NYC FILES - Part Two

2007-02-10T23:58:00.000-08:00

Hurrah! First full day of NYC adventure. Dressed in warm clothes, we patiently waited for the lift down to the lobby. And waited. And waited. As 2 of the 4 lifts were broken, they were in full demand and the man in front of us refused to get in anything resembling crowded. now, obv. I have the patience of a saint, so didn't push past him, but as the 3rd lift came and went, enough was enough and DazPushy and I bitchslapped his ass out of the way and began our day :)

Now I thought yesterday was cold! My nipples popped out so quickly when I walked out the door, that I had to check where DazPickle's fingers were ;) As we hurried to Starbucks, my warmblooded little fella (darren not the other little fella!!) was telling me I'd get used to the cold and he didn't need a scarf or hat. As we came out of starbucks with frozen snot in our noses, we bustled back to the hotel to get him a scarf and hat. It was lucky I tells ya that I was wearing my scarf wrapped round my face as I had a very smug told you so expression on my face! we decided to head towards rockafella plaza and enjoy the view from up there. Darren is not a heights man, but he was a brave little soldier and enjoyed the stunning views across NYC.

The NBC studio tour was ok, interesting to see the inner workings of tv! There was one dude on the tour who felt he knew the answers to all the questions so never gave the tour guide the opportunity to five their rehearsed answers. In retrospect, it may have soured the atmosphere a bit when after one buttinsky to many, I snapped " for gods sake no one was talking to you" but i ultimately feel they were glares of apology shooting my way. Thank heavens for the no weapons sign the guide kept pointing too...

Looking round Radio City Music Hall with a former Rockette was bloody bonza ripper. Doing those eye high kicks on an empty stage, looking at the costumes and designs and seeing the dining room where Vincent Minelli planted the seed of Liza in Judy's er .... well i'm sure they flirted there... was a great way too spend the afternoon in a gorgeously stunning art deco setting that positively crackled with theatrical history.

In the dusk of the early evening we did some more rooftop sightseeing from the top of the Empire State Building before heading home from our 11 hour day for pizza and snuggles. Marv...

THE NYC FILES - Part one

2007-02-10T00:11:00.000-08:00

After a delicious night of romp and relaxation in our posh upgraded room, it was time to get up and kill a couple of hours in our posh upgraded bathroom robes until we needed to leave for the airport. My attempts to seduce darren by trying to make the terry towling outfit look sexy by swinging the girdle around like a baton were hopeless. But i like to think i did my part in bringing sexy back! Anyway, i perservered and I like to think that any and all sexual favours subsequently provided were because of my hotness and not to "stop any more insane behaviour"...

And then it was off to Heathrow airport to check in and hang around for a couple of hours before we can sit around the gate for half an hour or so before we are allowed to board the plane and sit around waiting for takeoff. So in all this time, naturally the starbucks card was abused but i did get to listen to just jack's new album and some new songs i hadn't gotten around to checking out so it was all good.

the plane flight to nyc was actually ok. I read my book (The Road to Inconceivable - amazon search it, but it's only ok), a couple of Entertainment Weeklys, watched The Queen which was surprisingly touching and gorge and a much better than expected John Tucker Must Die (great soundtrack). I even managed to get some stuff down for my novel. Very productive.

Of course this being me, I had to be surrounded by freaks. Behind was an elderly gentleman whose middle aged son explained everything in annoyingly minute detail to him. Except plane etiquette as he kept stretching his leg up by my arm rest so his pongy foot was right near my face :( Once it may have touched my Jack & Jones top which clearly now i will have to boil. Grrr. And in front was seizure girl. She had her chair back which i don't begrudge at all, but she moved around so much it was like sitting infront of a washing machine on full spin. I was grateful when she nodded off and just the sound of her bulldozer snoring and pungent halitosis breath filled the air....

Arrived in NYC!! It was vair vair vair nippy noddles. I thought i would die from shock from the cold but rallied by thought of three starbucks right by hotel (which is near all theatres and one block from Times Square). V tired now so zzzzzzzzz.

last days in vegas nov 2005...

2007-02-03T21:27:00.000-08:00

LV ~ Days 4&5 Gimme Solids or Gimme Death!

The mega dog did not agree with me and I awoke very early with crippling stomach pains and some urgenting toileting needs Because of this Sunday went by in a blur and blurred right into Monday. A lot of it was spent shopping and gambling and checking out the hotels. The new Wynn hotel is stunning. It has this great waterfall feature outside one its restaurants which flows into a swimming pool that has these cool looking statues of people standing looking at the cascading water. V tranquil and mystical.I also remember waiting in line at subways and in front there was this guy who was ordering for his "baby" who was sitting down. She gave him very explicit instructions on what she wanted which he promptly forgot and the following conversation ensued:
Subway: do you want 6 inch or footlong?
Guy: baby do you want 6 inch or footlong?Baby: 6 inch
baby, i tolutha already
Guy: Sorry baby. She wants 6 inch
Subway: Do you want onions jalepenos peppers?
Guy: Baby do you want onions jalepenos peppers?
Baby: Eew baby you know i thinks onions is nasty
Guy: Sorry baby. No onions
(this goes on for a while and couple leave only for Baby to say "ooo baby why is there no onions on this. it is so bland!" Sheesh)
WE went to a mile long all you can eat buffet later that evening awhich totally killed me off. There should be a law against unlimited carrot cake! We got back pretty late but I was wide awake so I caught up on the oc and prison break on my archos...

LV~The final 2 days...

OOO - scary. The Stratosphere hotel was plunged into darkness tonight after a power outage and left 6 Japanese tourists dangling 900ft abover the strip on one of the towers thrill rides. I can't imagine how scary that must have been as they were trapped on a see saw ride that tips over the edge of the building They were up there for 90 minutes! I hope they went for some emotional stress damages...

Most of the days were spent gambling and exploring the massive variety of hotels, but I also shopped for Britain and depleted a large amount of my funds at a variety of stores:
Gap~ a cord balzer and chunky knit zip up top
Target~ socks, a scarf and some holiday themed candy, oh and a stocking
CDs~ Madonna, Il Divo christmas cd, carrie underwood, mariah carey christmas cd 10 year anniversary edition, Cyndi Lauper body acoustic cd
DVDs~ Gilmore Girls season 3, Veronica Mars season 1, Edward Scissorhands, The Nightmare Before Christmas
Books~ Son of A Witch, Lost, The It Girl - from gossip girl author, Pendragon 2 (I bought Pendragon 1 when i was at DGIF day ) Wicked - A Grimmerie

I listened to the Madonna cd straight away in the car and both Darren and I really liked it. My first fave songs that stood out were Hung Up, Sorry, Jump and I New York Madonna is back! Although i feel she never went away as I really liked American Life. I'm drinking a soy latte...

Celebrated our last night by packing (booo) and going to see Zathura, which is kind of a sequel to Jumanji but don't call it a sequel. I had low expectations and ended up enjoying most of it. A few real laugh out loud moments So sad to be going home - its been a great holiday and its back to the real world now Still we have only been in our new apartment for 2 weeks before we came away and it would be nice to get back and sort all our stuff out

Return To Los Angeles/Las Vegas - Nov 2005 Day 7/8/9

2007-02-01T04:43:00.000-08:00

Day 7 - entering vegas

So we bid adieu to a rather rainy and grey LA and zoomed down the freeway to Las Vegas. We made pretty good time and I now know the bette midler sings peggy lee cd pretty well now too We arrived at Mandalay Bay and instantly got upgraded to a premium room with a stunning view of the strip. I like to think it was beause of my cool LV band The Killers t shirt and the way I gently batted my eye lids at the check in guy, but more likely it was because they were out of non smoking rooms...

The room is absolutely cavenous - with a huge bathroom and sunken bath with lots of gorgeous little toiletries that will so end up in our guest bathroom. I don't usually care what my hotel room is like but this one is pretty stunning :)

FIND! Darren and I were looking around and found this charming little bookstore and the woman behind the counter and I were chatting about Wicked and she showed me a ltd edition coffee table book on the making of the musical. I so have to buy... rest of evening spent gambling and not doing particularly well...

Day 8...

Darren and I love to shop Its a big part of our reason for coming here so we get all excited about going to the Ceasars Palace Forum Shops. The toy store there is brilliant - it is so huge you can get lost in it for ages. And we did...

There were these particularly brilliant and slightly lavendar two young men dance playing the giant floor piano with their feet. I have to say it made me alittle jealous and I have now added foot playing piano dancer to my list of dream professions (others include working at the gap, owning a book store and published author ) ;) Sadly, Darren's fave shoe shop is no longer and the best Virgin Megastore in the world is no more which is particularly tragic cos they had every dvd and cd you can think of. Now i will have to hope i can find somewhere else that will stock the new madonna cd ;)

Can i just comment on how festive Starbucks is right now? they have these adorable little chrismukwanzamas cups, the loveliest gift sets and an adorable reusable wooden advent calendar. Comment over!

We spent the evening at a gay bar called Gipsys which was rather brilliant until i almost simultaneously strained my groin and punched someone in the ear whilst trying to dance like in the last part of the Hung Up video. oops and ow! my groin!

Day 9...

Went down to visit the Aladdin and Paris hotels (so hurrah Nick Carter not the only one to be in Paris ). Ho ho. I had slept funny on my arm so it was totally dead all day and it flailed around independently of what I wanted it to do. Boooo! And it was kinda painful. Luckily I was a brave little soldier and only mentioned that it still hurt to Darren every few minutes. And then i got a cup full of bitterness added to that when I asked some woman to take a picture of us. AND SHE SAID NO!! I mean I guess its perfectly ok for someone to say no in rudesville but how rude is it to not take someones pic in a tourist spot!?! I would have taken her pic if i hadn't been scared of the camera lens cracking Thats just the bitterness talking - she seemed perfectly lovely except for the rudeness and some weird spot thing on her chin, but i digress...

The Aladdin and Paris are lovely inside and the themed areas are really pretty. The Aladdin even has an indoor thunderstorm over the the fountain area. We found a really good game store and bought this game called Blokus which is kinda like tetris if it were a board game and if it were two people competing to get the shapes on a board with only touching the corners of their own shapes. So nothing like tetris then... We were really tired so grabbed a megadog (there is something so gay about putting that much meat in your mouth!! ) and decided to order a Jerry Springer show on the hotel tv. I haven't watched in a while and it was hilarious "I hate your bridesmaids dress" (takes it off) "And my bra is itchy too" (takes it off) So lots of girls getting naked to beat the crap out of each other! Jerry must be so proud It made me want to watch Oprah...

Return To Los Angeles/Las Vegas - Nov 2005 Day 5/6

2007-02-01T04:38:00.000-08:00

Tues and Weds just sort of went by in a blur of LA traffic and theme parks so here are some key magic moments...

*Darren singing solid as a cock instead of Rock at starbucks and being completely oblivious to how loud he was or what he was singing
*Seeing a Maury show where a woman tested 9 men to see who was the father of her baby daddy and then me being completely bewildered when the audience booed the guy for not being the father
*Seeing Aladdin The Musical at disney - seriously get this on broadway now. The Genie manages to be hilarious despite his somewhat hackneyed quips: "Snap! Oh no you di'n't gurrl"; "You're Fired!" and my personal fave "Jasmines not the only one to marry a street rat - look at Britney Spears!"
*Darren nipping to the bathroom only to be driven out by the loud explosive gases from the cubicle next door! Too many churros?
*Getting soaked on the grizzly rapids but laughing my arse off at Darren who got bitchslapped by a wall of water before it drenched him
*Leaving Disney for the last time and feeling quite sad
*An all new episode of Lost. RIP Shannon

Return To Los Angeles/Las Vegas - Nov 2005 Day 3/4

2007-01-21T05:08:00.000-08:00

Day Three

After waking up at 4.30am we decided that we needed to reset out body clocks and have a nice relaxing day so we thought we would do some shopping around the upmarket boutiques of LA...

Discovery1 ~ the walmart in anaheim is rubbish
discovery2 ~ the target opposite our hotel is brilliant and if you look past the crap had a few really nice and fashionable clothes
Discovery3 ~ Discovery 2 makes me sound really shallow. But its true. As is the fact that Gap, American Eagle, Banana Rep and A&F also had some great finds in there!
Discovery4 ~ the American Eagle at Brea Mall stank of burnt popcorn which curtailed our vist but not before thrifty daz had rifled through the sales section!
Discovery5 ~ if Daz and I were ever to live in LA it would have to be somewhere utterly charming like the incredibly pretty town of Fullerton
Discovery6 ~ Wicked may be one of my favourite books of all time and so I was delighted that a follow up called Son Of A Witch has just been released. And even more overjoyed that after some searching found a first edition
Discovery7 ~ Darren's floppy fringe/bangs looks really hot without any gel in it!
Discovery8 ~ People magazine has Ellen on the front and I had forgotten how much I love la Degeneres!

~Darren napped from 4-7pm and I read a rather lovely book called Almost Like Being In Love - about 2 lads who fall in love in high school and seek each other out 20 years later ~

Discovery9 ~ Almost like being in love is a great book
Discovery10 ~ I woke up at 4.30am again

Day Four

Lets face it - even though Disney's CAlifornia Adventure is a pretty good representation of beach front california, its just not as magical as Disneyland itself. It's like the older brother who no longer believes in Father Christmas. That doesn't mean we didn't have a great time. The Tower of Terror is brilliant as is Soaring Over California, The Grizzly Bear Rapids and the rollercoaster. And the difference between British theme parks and American ones is that at Disney the lines become part of the rides so you don't feel like you are waiting as long! Genius!

I was so clumsy today - i was enjoying a Nestle Tollhouse Ice Cream Sandwich while walking around one of the many many many ~ you get the drift ~ many gift stores. I was briefly enchanted by a Beauty And The Beast snowglobe when I managed to walk into the wall and smack my ice cream right into my ltd. edition Salt Lake Polo Shirt. Boooo! Luckily it wasn't wrecked - the ice cream not the polo shirt - until i tried to pick the wrapping from the mushed up ice cream and dropped the whole thing on the floor. Boy, did my bottom lip tremble :(

And later while I was buying USA Today, i turned around from the till and walked straight into a postcard rack, which hurt a lot more than i let on at the time :( :(

I heard the cutest thing today. Dazpanteloons and I were walking behind some 8 year old kids and two guys passed who were all over each other One kid said UGH! HOW GAY! But then this other kid who i now want to adpot said 'so, there's nothing wrong with being gay. And just because two men kiss doesn't mean they are gay. They might be bisexual'. AWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

Return to LA/Las Vegas Nov 2005 - Day two

2007-01-19T23:54:00.000-08:00

It occurred to me after a quick spin on the mummy returns rollercoaster at Universal that movie rides are a lot like the films they are based on... EG: Disney's Indiana Jones ride and the aforementioned Mummy ride are both breathtaking thrilling and quite satisfying once done. Pirates of The Caribbean at Disney is slightly too long, only gets good half way through and sadly the lacks the surprise twist the movie has. Worst of the lot is Universal's Van Helsing - it looks good but once you're there you wish you hadn't bothered even if there is a Hugh Jackman look a like there to greet you

The studio tour at Universal has been updated to show the external sets of Wisteria Lane (marvel at Bree's perfectly trimmed bush! ) and the jaw dropping plane crash of War Of The Worlds that is so creepy and realistic you feel a little bit sording being there. Still nothing like meeting an animated puppet Donkey from Shrek to cheer you up. Daz took pics while i lined up with the 5 year olds to meet him - and he couldn't have been more gracious He said I was tall and had super hair (and nice hair is hard to maintain after so many thrill rides ) so I complimented him on his teeth. He then did an uncanny impression of the Queen which made me laugh my arse off

In the distance i saw a sign that i thought said Debheads but sadly it was dance heads. Not to worry ~ this brilliant idea gets you to wiggle your head to the music and puts it on an animated body for you. Genius! Panteloons and I did two songs and got a dvd of it to humiliate ourselves for many parties to come

The whole day at Universal was lovely but exhausting so we went to see Chicken Little before looking around the shops and bars. It was... schizophrenic. Is it a fairy tale? Is it war of the worlds? Everwood? And thus a little bit rubbish Although there was a lovely version of All I know (originally by Art - no simon - Garfunkel and featured in the brilliant season two finale of Nip Tuck) that i later found out was by Five for Fighting. Plus! The place was like a creche. Screaming babies and puking toddlers. No wonder Entertainment Weekly did a piece on what is wrong with theatres!! While shopping a 20 ft high poster of of semi naked and toned Matt Ratliff drew us myeteriously into A&F. Seriously how gay is that store. If details is the gayest non gay magazine, A&F must take it for the shops! Saw some killer jeans but decided to hold off til Vegas. Was in bed for 10pm. Tragic

Return to LA/Las Vegas Nov 2005 Day One

2007-01-18T09:10:00.000-08:00

Day#1 ~ I MUST get my luggage to LA (or The Adventures of kevin and Susan) (or Whitney was right, and its not ok!)

A lovely 4am start was brilliant and I was soon on the coach to the airport looking forward to landing in LA in 19 hours time Check in was a breeze until i noticed that the labels on the luggage said Kevin and Susan Dowd heading to JFK and then they disappeared down the chute where baggage goes to be filmed for Toy Story 2. I quickly explained to the check in clerk that My Name Is Not Susan and she dutifully dived down the chute after them to rescue them from NYC and send them on their little way to LA. Bless her.

Once we were back to being Paul and Darren we mosied round the airport until our fight was called. Isn't it weird how people cannot wait to get on the plane, but once its landed they'd slap their frail grandma's ass out of the way to be the first off? Anyway, got all settled in my seat, magazines at the ready and once the seatbelt sign was off put my chair back only to be poked in the head and told by the "charming" (in this context charming obviously means rude, aggressive and lacking any likeable qualities whatsoever) woman behind to put it back up as she wasn't standing for that all flight. i explained that everyone was entitled to put their seats back and thought that was the end of it. Until I heard her complain and use a very derogatory homophobic comment! I may have lost my temper a little bit (air rage alert) and told her that she was obviously more used to using her free bus pass the her pass port and if she could get all the 9 rows in front of me to put their seats up then i'd consider it. She then told me to talk to the hand! The hand! Goodbye credibility!!! Luckily, a rather lovely stewardess called Brenda intevened and explained reclining seats to the "charming" lady. And after that it was a surprisingly pleasant flight ~ I watched 3 films i haven't seen and then had a nice nap. Plus our hotel room in LA ~ the Anaheim Hilton was totally lovely

thezapping second annual city centre crash pad Christmas party!

2006-12-10T22:50:00.000-08:00

Ah, the annual zapping (ie PazDance and DazPants) festive bash was attended by a glittering array of celebrities on Saturday night. And by celebrities, I of course do mean my lovely group of loyal and amazing friends. Bless them all. We all crammed into our tiny apartment for some Christmassy capers (space is at a premium in the city centre) and let the merriment take us over. Lets talk you through it picture styl-ee...

Aw, don't Mr Panteloons and I look adorable here in our new togs thanks to 20% off day at the ever reliable Debenhams. And DazPinkie still looks hot despite (or because of?) nursing a temperature...

Aw, part two. It is the continuing adventures of Ruthiepoos and her lesbian lover Louise. There was really no need to write lesbian lover, but it was just such lovely alliteration i couldn't resist. Plus our kitchen looks super lovely in this shot, and that's what is important, n'est pas?

Aw, part three (i'll be bored of that soon, I promise!) Look my work pal Cat has arrived and her lovely cuddly husband Adam. From the looks of it, Cat may be angling to dampen her hubby's ardour with a quick drink spill down his pants!!

They're coming up so we better get this party started. On a Saturday night, etc. Note the moody people on the right who didn't think I would fit them in the shot. Oh ye of little faith...

It's mark and craig! They may possibly be sexuals of the homo variety. And it looks like our tiny tiny but loveable tree may be on fire!

Hurrah! Time to pull out a gift from Santa's sack (insert own filthy comment here)

Craig can get his arm in up to his elbow. I'm wincing as I type...

Lucky PaulHair and Justin are thrilled to have received the gayest my little pony ever.

And Adam is bored of waiting! Oh no this is all going horribly wrong. Christmas is ruined Adam! (mainly because Mark seems to have gone limp!)

Hurrah! Christmas is un-ruined as some v exciting rock 'em pop 'em festive robots are unleashed in the most macho display of testosterone all evening...

Harona (or Hironda Mitsubishi as I call her) does how clean is your house. Or possibly that scene with the butter in the shower in Bad Girls...

yes, yes, definitely the butter/crotching scene from Bad Girls, judging by their smiles! Seriously though we love Hironda and Stef :)

Me showing off my Starbucks advent calendar. Seriously, commission please Mr Bucks. That f***ing sandwich toaster on top of the fridge creeps into every bloody shot. How irritatous.

Oh how we all laughed when Ben was ejeculated from the factor of the x...

and so the evening draws to a close as I force everyone to listen to the Big Fun album for the third time. It's true. you can't shake the feeling...

DOWNLOAD: Big Fun "Pocketful of Dreams" zipfile

The Holiday Diaires: Gran Canaria Nov 06 Days 6&7

2006-12-09T23:58:00.000-08:00

Thursday 30th November 2006
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READ: Another Entertainment Weekly; more Son Of A Witch
WATCHED: The OC 401 & 402
LISTENED: Simon Curtis' Alter Boy; Wicked cast recording
.
Having the night off from booze did me the world of good. I think my body was still osmosing the green evil as I stepped into the shower. L'Oreal's new showerburst stuff is incredibly foamy. I just love getting lathered up!
.
We went for quite the nice walk along the epic sand dunes of Playa and Maspalomas (and heeded the advice of SDB from Switch22 not to get lost as it's a notorious gay pick up place!). There was a smashing little breeze and Darren and I gabbed ten to the dozen about everything and nothing, which made the time pass surprisingly quickly! It's a hefty hike however (ooo good alliteration) so we were a bit lazy, caught a taxi back and then had lunch and did bugger all for the rest of the afternoon!
.
In the evening we frequented our new favourite dive, bar Ibiza – home of the green evil. The owners are quite lovely, they have great sketch show selections playing on the big screen and I bonded with them over my love and knowledge of early Depeche Mode. We then bar-hopped for a little while before ending up back at bar Ibiza. The slightest whiff of the green evil churned my stomach so I stuck to the juice (no Gin). Daz got hammered though so I did my normal trick I do when I want to go home – ask him if he is hungry and then wait for his stomach to catch up to the suggestion. We were soon at Kentucky. I've never seen anyone so happy to eat a tower burger. It was embarrassing. He practically made love to it. Him and that tower burger should have got a room. And then my trick worked – he was tired and wanted to go back! So we did. And then we got a room. Twice. If you know what I mean ;)
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MP3: Simon Curtis – Left Right Left
MP3: Wicked – For Good
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Friday 1st December 2006
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READ: Gay Times; finished Son of a Witch; started Ben Elton's Chart Throb
WATCHED: Nothing!
LISTENED: Kylie 'White Diamond'; Aly & AJ's Acoustic Hearts of Winter
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Last day :( But viva December! My ultimate most favourite delicious lovely month of the year. If December were a man (which I'm pretty sure it is. A gay one at that – all that sparkle and tinsel?!) I would show how much I love it by gently surprising it with my lovestick from behind. If you know what I mean. DazPoked knows what I mean ;) Mom and Dad, gloss over this and don't even dwell upon it!!
.
Went for a mammoth festive shopping session at Springfield, Zara and Pull&Bear. DazPurchase got some new shirts, while – apart from a kicky pair of new trousers – I went for accessories: an ace new belt, snugly new pair of gloves, scarf, etc. it's all in the details. I'm always thrilled to get Christmas themed shopping bags too. I remember a brilliant one from a few years back from Abercrombie with a half naked boy with a santa cap on. Smashing…
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Went for a lovely meal out and looked at the massive red candle laded ribbon laid out in tribute to World Aids Day. Quite sobering – however the centre was bathed in twinkling fairy lights and with lots of fundraising going on, it seemed like a lovely heartfelt tribute.
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Journey home tomorrow – I have saved some Veronica mars to watch on the plane and have the very excellent and very readable Chart Throb to plough through too!!
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MP3: Kylie – White Diamond (live)
MP3: Aly & AJ – deck the halls
MP3: Rockapella – leaving on a jet plane

The Holiday Diaries: Gran Canaria Nov 06 Days 4-5

2006-12-09T06:13:00.000-08:00

Tuesday 28th November 2006
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READ: FHM Magazine; Finished Skeleton Key
WATCHED: Desperate Housewives 309; Smallville 601
LISTENED: Darin's Break The News cd; Lockdown sampler
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The morning after the night before. Which is a pretty obvious statement really isn't it and I have no idea why people put such an emphasis on it in British society. But enough deliberations on ruminations… DazPoorly felt a little worse for wear so we went for a walk around Playa to catch some sun and get some exercise. I love the way Darren and I can wander comfortably in silence, but then be brimming with enthusiasm and excitement over some random thought that has popped into our head. Brillo!
. Another night out started with a jugful of cocktails at Bar Ibiza. What a lethal mistake. The thing was brimming with alcohol and after a couple of glasses of the green concoction, I was most definitely three sheets to the proverbial wind. So everything after that was a bit of a blur. I seem to recall being a very enthusiastic audience member at a half empty La Belle and being given a bottle of champagne that apparently I can canned my way to the stage to accept. And I kind of recall being very exuberant and flirtatious at Centre stage whilst knocking back the Malibu and pineapples. And I remember making Darren a tuna, sweetcorn, cheese and mayo sandwich that was no doubt delicious. But what stands out most in my mind is how horribly horribly sick I was for a good 60 minutes before I somehow managed to drag my drunk arse to bed and pass out as the darkness of the spinning room closed in on me….
. MP3: Darin – Insanity
MP3: Lockdown – You've Got It
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Wednesday 29th November 2006
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READ: The Take That issue of Attitude (finally!); started rereading Son Of A Witch (wicked sequel)
WATCHED: Smallville 602 and 603
LISTENED: Beyond sampler; Chorus Line 2006 cast recording
. I have definitely got the drinkers remorse L Truthfully, I'm not actually that much of a drinker – I don't drink at home and I don't feel the need to drink everytime I go out. Probably stems from my mormon upbringing! So I did indeed feel rough this morning. Little DazPity took me for a greasy breakfast which actually helped stem the queasiness for a while.
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Both of us felt the need for a night off from the booze and the partying so we had a nice evening out watching some over 50s international gym festival which bizarrely featured line dancers with umbrellas! Ummm, okay… We also wandered around the shops – the Yumbo Centrum actually has some great clothes shops which will be testing my credit card later this week. Oh and we had a lovely Chinese meal and the freshest, most delicious orange juice I've ever tasted. My system must have absorbed the vitamin c tout de suite…
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I'm quite enjoying the addition of Oliver Queen (the Green Arrow) to Smallville. I would like to see him and Robin Hood tustle… Catching up and only on episode three of the new season means I'm somewhat behind, but it was nice to hear James Carrington's gorgeous Ache over the closing scene that showed how alone Clark is by featuring shots of Chloe with Jimmy Olsen, Lana with Lex and Lois with Oliver. Poor Clarky is all alone playing with his ball. How sad :(
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MP3: Beyond – Just Don't Have The Heart
MP3: Chorus Line – what I did for love
MP3: James Carrington - ache

The Holiday Diaries: Gran Canaria Nov 2006 - day 3

2006-12-04T22:44:00.000-08:00

Monday 27th November 2006

READ: 2 Entertainment Weeklys; more of Skeleton Key
WATCHED: Brothers and Sisters 108 & 109
LISTENED: Take That's Beautiful World cd; Dina Carroll – Escaping
BOUGHT: Lip balm and a newspaper
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Not so lazy today (although still fairly high on the lazy-o-meter!) Went to local shopping centre Alantico. Was all decked out and festive and lovely, although I still can't imagine Christmas in the heat. DazPernot was too tired to even pretend to be interested in my clothes shopping needs so we are going to come later in the week for all my fashion essentials. Just went to supermarket to get some food and lip balm to make my dry crackly lips all kissable again (I hope Ruthiepoos never has this problem!) The amount of people just throwing a cow leg or pig rump into their carts was staggering. These things ain't light either. I walked into one hanging on a rack and it nearly knocked me over. I am pretty fragile though…
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Later, after a game of upwords (it was a draw for the first time ever – though DazPoints did manage to get the highest single score ever. 40. Kudos), some boozy refreshments and DazPast miming in just his socks to several vintage Tina Turner songs, we decided to hit the town…
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In retrospect, allowing DazPlastered to have something called "a large beer" all night was an error in judgement. It will be easier for me to list the mishaps that ensued…
.~Choosing a rare moment of quiet in the bar to do a very loud Catherine Tate impression
~Falling off his barstool and literally breaking the wall behind him, then collapsing on the floor in a fit of giggles while rest of the bar assessed the quite substantial damage
~Drunkenly, but good humouredly trying to blame said wall on innocent guy passing by for bathroom
~As I apologised on his behalf to the barstaff (who didn't care anyway) that he was very sorry (I had ordered him in my fiercest voice to look contrite), I turned around to see he had chosen that very moment to "mock" anally probe some random guy with a glow stick that he had just been given!
.It got worse when we left the bar. The five minute journey home took forty minutes, largely because of the following…
.~thinking a fence looked "sad" so he decided to give it a hug?!?!
~Finding a hatch in the fence and spending several minutes shouting hello and tapping it to see if the 'others' were on the other side
~Waving flirtatiously at every single car that passed by
~Telling me in what I can only imagine he thought was a "quiet" voice that the woman approaching (who was less than 10 metres away) was tiny. Then as she passed by, he bent over and said "hello" as the poor, not particularly short lass scuttled by
~As we approached the complex, I warned Darren to be quiet. He took this to mean tiptoe-in-cartoon-exaggerated-style through the lobby with his fingers on his lips before collapsing into giggles every 2 steps and starting over again

Finally got him home and tucked up in bed. Season 4 Buffy was right – beer bad ;)

MP3: Take That – Reach Out
MP3: Dina Carroll - Escaping

The holiday diaries: Gran Canaria Nov 2006

2006-12-04T12:45:00.000-08:00

Saturday 25th November 2006
.
How come if Gran Canaria is "only" four hours away, it takes so long to get there? Travel to and from airports, check in time, waiting for luggage = 2 grumpy travellers. And it all started off so well…
.we woke at 6.30am and by the time we had showered and had coffee, DazProzac was extremely overstimulated and dancing round the living room in his Hanes (see they aren't just for Jessica Simpson!) It's certainly a mental image that will never leave me. Because we wanted infinitely better flight times, we chose to fly from Manchester airport. In the words of Catherine Tate's Mrs Taylor – worra load of old shit. The departure lounge had too many things all crammed together, the shops were appallingly laid out and there weren't enough seats. It's one redeeming feature was (naturally) a starbucks, so DazPleasureBeach and I enjoyed a nice panini and coffee. Yummers
.The flight was pretty good – we got exit seats so were able to stretch out and relax. Apart from the grumbling of the old man next to us – he didn't like the announcements; the gay trolley dolly was too enthusiastic; the captain was two minutes out when he announced the local time; I was disturbing him when I had my reading light on, etc., etc. Still, it helped us bond with the cabin staff by sharing discreet and then not so discreet looks and rolling eyes. I had my mp3/video player so listened to the new antonym callea (meh) and Westlife's The Love Album. I also watched Not Another Gay Movie – a film so politically incorrect, that I'm sure I should have been offended by the lazy stereotypes. But I wasn't. I thought it was pretty funny. Clearly, though, nobody in England would buy Graham Norton as sexy – and I certainly won't look at him the same way again after his Belgian surprise (a scene that took me so much by surprise that I accidentally hit the slow reverse button and got to watch it all "go back in")
.After landing and picking up our rental car (a Renault Clitoris or some such nonsense), we dumped our cases and went out for a boogie. Only, we were shattered and tia maria & orange juice only added to the tiredness and made us delirious. After being unable to decide whether two drag queens doing Heads, Shoulders, Knees & Toes was an illusion or not (it wasn't :O ), we decided to pop into brill musicals bar, Centre Stage to see our friend Gez. Kept eyes open long enough to catch up on the gossip/sing a few Chicago numbers/do various Catherine Tate impressions, before I dragged an almost catatonic DazPlastered home and lay awake for forty minutes listening to him moan "I'm so tired…" Still, got some good snuggling out of it though…
.
MP3: Antony Callea – Home
MP3: Westlife – The Dance
.
Sunday 26th November 2006
.
READ: Q Magazine; started Skeleton Key (alex rider)
WATCHED: Nip/Tuck 411; Prison Break 212
LISTENED: Simon Curtis' "Put Your Makeup On"; Switch22's "Back To The Dancefloor"
BOUGHT: David Beckham's Instinct.
.
What a lazy day we had. We both hauled ourselves out of bed at about 11am, went for a little walk around before deciding that we were too tired for such exertions and headed back to our little bungalow for some lunch and a spot of sunbathing before a "power" nap that 'accidentally' lasted til 7pm. Oops…#
.Decided to eat at nearby restaurant for dinner and I had quite a tasty lasagne. Darren stretched his culinary palete by having a baked potato with cheese. (something kinda) ooh! Still, to be fair it did look quite tasty…
.Went to La Belle Showbar where I had the world's largest ever white Russian drink. I mean it was just ridiculously huge :O The glass and contents alone were heavy, yet somehow – just somehow – I managed to choke it down. I was soon quite tipsy and was babbling on about a load of crap to DazPatience whose eyes soon became so iced over you could have skated on them. So we moved onto Centre Stage (which was spookily playing clips from Moulin Rouge the same day that Poppostergirl was posting about it. Fancy!) where we got chatting to a perfectly lovely married couple (I always notice if the gays are wearing rings)who made such an impact that their names escape me right now… Oops part two…#
.At some point in the evening, DazPanicAtTheDisco surpassed me in the drunken monkey stakes. I can pinpoint the exact second that happened – I came out of the bathroom to see my man waving his t-shirt around his head and dancing with some common navvy. Shocking. Although, clearly I wasn't shocked enough not to whip out the camera and take a topless pic, hehe ;) Said navvy then asked if I wanted a threesome. I swear it is the single gays latest hobby, picking up the married gays. I think I was quite polite and restrained in my response ("step off and take yo eyes of ma man". Or "no" probably…) Ended the night dancing to Ain't No Other Man and realising that as a song, it's not as good as it thinks it is

The Zapping Holiday Diaries: Los Angeles/Las Vegas May 2004

2006-11-22T09:38:00.000-08:00

Saturday 15th/Sunday 16th May 2004 - THE LAST ENTRY

i am currently uncomfortable and flying several thousand feet over nova scotia or someone equally lovely as i write this so i will combine my saturday and sunday journal entries with this trip home.I have been to several all you can eat buffets this week and have come to two conclusions: one - it is entirely wasted on me. I can barely get through a full plate and then always feel guilty for not finishing it and feel guilty for not eating more. So i come out with a distended belly and weighed down by guilt. Not a good combination... two - some people seem to think the all you can eat logo is their own personal challenge and pile their plate sky high as they sink their chompers into a whole fried chicken. I don't know whether to admire them or fear them (i certainly get the impression that i would lose an eye if i got between them and the dessert cart.)

Saturday was las vegas gay pride. It was the least proud convention i have ever seen. It was held in some out of town disused sports hall that you had to pay $12 to get into and all that was inside were some vendors and a dj. Apparently last year the organiser did a runner with all the money the night before pride. I think that person did the las vegas gay community a favour - they have been very poorly represented. At least i now can't wait for Birmingham pride back home...

I swear the guy in front of me is the heaviest guy in the world. I am all for reclining the seat but i could practically do dental work on this chap. I should too - he has a nasty molar that needs filling. dentists are nasty - mine always jams the aspirator right into my cheek so i walk round for the next week with only one cheek. (I would like to point out that i of course mean the cheek on my face - god only knows what would happen if he jammed the aspirator into my other cheek )

I despise the middle seat as it has now caused me the most amount of embarrassment that is possible (even more than the tampon up my nose on the way here). I had already asked the guy next to me to move three times so i could pee/brush my teeth/stretch my legs and i couldn't wake him so i thought that i could just stand on my seat and climb over him without waking him (what was i thinking ) i not only whacked my head very hard on the air blowy hole thing and said fuck extremely loudly but then as i put my leg over him i realised it was a very bad idea but i was losing my balance annd oh yes. i stumble and now the poor guy is awake and his head is now buried into my crotch while i have almost fallen over the back of the seat and have knocked a drink over on the woman behind him. Why am i always the least popular person on the plane??? Good bye america i will miss you...

The Holiday Diaries: Los Angeles/Las Vegas May 2004 - Day 14

2006-11-10T05:51:00.000-08:00

Friday 14th May 2004

Waking up to rita rudners dreadful ' ask rita' show is just not as satisfying as waking up to ryan seacrest's radio show in LA (seriously - when does the guy ever sleep - 6 morning radio shows, 5 daily talk shows, 2 american idol shows??? plus shopping for suits and sneakers - so needs his hair rehighlighted)Today on Ask Rita, she had herself surrounded with z list comedians who i really believe think they are funny. One question was 'people think that i am funny at work - could i be a comedian?' You could see the look of horror on everyones face. They were all mortified "oh no ordinary people can't be funny like us, its a gift a calling. you only think you're funny, etc. etc." Stars have such fragile egos...

Spent most of the day shopping and driving and singing aling to the Connie and Carla soundtrack. In the evening we went to see this free show outside Treasure Island (or TI as it is 'trendily' now known) called sirens. its about 5 scantily dressed women (a ginger one a scary one a posh one, you get the picture...) who can only sing somewhat, compensate for their shoddy dancing skills by seducing men with their attitude and breasts. So THATS what the spice girls are up to nowadays. Still the show was a fairly entertaining pirate romp musical (cd available in the lobby. Really!) but nowhere near as classy as the fountains display to music at the front of the bellagio (oceans 11 hotel) They set it to 'ONE' from Chorus Line and it was exquisite. Unlike all the other hotels on the strip, the Bellagio doesn't need a gimmick to lure people in. I hesitate to use the word classy to often as i feel it cheapens everything. I always think country bumpkins use it when they see the indoor flushing bathroom facilities at dennys.

To end our lovely day of sophistication, we went t get a 3/4lb hotdog from westward ho - the trailer park casino of vegas. There is something however, suprememly satisfying about eating cheap meat (insert own joke here) and playing cheap slots (insert own joke here) and being served by cheap women (westward ho's??) to round off your day.

Go home day after tomorrow. Sad already

The Holiday Diaries: Los Angeles/Las Vegas May 2004 - Day 13

2006-11-10T05:47:00.000-08:00

Thursday 13th may 2004

I love rita rudner. I have her book 'tickled pink' which i found to be affectingly charming. Everytime i am in las vegas i stop at new york new york and look at the electronic billboard that advertises her show : "Hello. I'm Rita Rudner. And, yes - i'm really doing the splits. and yes - it hurts. now could someone help me up please" (trust me its hilarious in person) Brilliant! I saw her host her own tv show, however, today and it was just horrible. Ask Rita. Ask rita to get off the tv more like. You could see her wide eyes moving along, terrified, with the autocue. She looked like a cross between a deer caught in the headlights and a deer caught well doing something else (not sure what...)

Went to siegfried and roys secret garden today to follow up our educational visit to shark reef yesterday. it was all very nice but siegfried and roys recordings of their love for the animals bordered on the overzealous. you almost expected roy to say ' von day i was in de garden with kimba the white tiger and we developed chust by making loooove' Charming.

I must have had a dodgy lunch today because i was absolutely in dire need to use the bathroom. now i usually won't sit down in a public restroom but this time i had no choice, so i ran into the bathroom, scrabbled at the toilet paper like a wild animal and wrapped it around the toilet seat and hovered above it. all done (ew) i flushed (twice - silly incompetent flushing system) and came out of the cubicle to an array of glares and stares. in my haste i had run into the womens bathroom. oops.

We went to a gay club tonight. it was interesting to me to see how the culture differs on the diff sides of the atlantic. Case in point - if it had been a gay pride event in england (which it was in vegas) everyone would have been dressed up to the nines (what does that mean) and the place and dancefloor would've been packed. The club was semi full and the dance floor only half full with 'creative' movers and people in shorts and a tshirt (a fashion no no in england). But i have always liked gay clubs for being somewhere where you can wear what you like and express yourself so that is the same the world over. Hurrah for that...

The Holiday Diaries: Los Angeles/Las Vegas May 2004 - Day 12

2006-11-05T11:41:00.000-08:00

Wednesday 12th May 2004

.
Started the day by discovering that Darren has been using my toothbrush by mistake since we arrived in the states. How positively vile. There are some things that are sacred and are private. We don't use the bathroom with the door open and we don't have showers together (its not sensual - its washing dirt off your body!) and we don't share toothbrushes. Having said that, I was too lazy to buy a new one, so I just rinsed it under the tap good and proper...
.
We went to see mamma mia in the evening. a musical based on the abba songs. Well i say based on the the abba songs - it has the abba songs in and then they tenuously link together a story about a girls upcoming wedding. The story is basically this - this stroppy moo of a daughter who is getting married, wants her dad to give her away. Her mom (dressed in prisoner cell block h chic dungas) was a bit of a goer in her youth so can only narrow it down to three men who of course all turn up at the wedding.Turns out no one has heard of dna testing so they all decide to be her dad. Bless. The show was really good, but the mom could not hit some of the high notes so it was painful to listen to bits of it. I have never experienced that in a theatre before. The finale was the best when the cast sang waterloo and the audience danced and twirled like the dancing queens they were...
.
We were getting petrol/gas after - i was working the pump (a natural talent ) and darren was sat in the car. This verbal fight broke out between two random guys - it was mutha a this and punk ass bitch that. It was when i heard the one guy shout 'the last guy that dissed me got cut. bad' Well naturally i was concerned that people still use the word dissed and expect to be taken seriously. I was also concerned that i would be in the middle of a vicious fight. My biggest concern, however, was that at the first sign of danger, Darren actually locked himself in the car, locking me out!!!! You could almost see the life insurance $$$£££ pop up in his eyes
.

Darrens feet are so manky at the moment - he has blisters all over them like he has walked the himilayas (sp?) It hurts every time he walks so when we went to see Sirens - the free show outside the Treasure Island hotel, he had two margharitas to numb the pain - except he drank them so fast he gave himself heartburn. Seconds before we decided not to see the show because of the doubled over pain he was in, some guy touched his arse and did the head toe head appraisal look. I was outraged and decided to express my severe displeasure by fixing him with a stare that i believe adequately conveyed my sentiments of 'how dare you mack on my man' Sadly darren later told me the look was more of a 'oooo get you mother girl - stay away from my man'. Damn

The Holiday Diaries: Los Angeles/Las Vegas May 2004 (days 9-11)

2006-11-01T08:08:00.000-08:00

Sunday 9 th May 2004

.
Our california dreaming is over as we set off on the loong loong (and did i mention it was loooooong) drive to the vegas. Once again, it was really hot. That combined with the long drive made it a long hot day. There is, however, something completely satisfying about whizzing down the open road with your favourite songs blasting out. Even if your t shirt is sticking to your back and you are stuck to the back of your chair... And Darren won't let you put on a whole Deb cd (he is so Deb loving deficient - i am wearing him down slowly but surely. He knows the words now when songs come on) Did i mention it was a long hot drive?
.
Am in a pyramid shaped room (well one side anyway) at the Luxor - there are sarcophagus' everywhere and hieroglyphics. Very walk like an egyptian. Wonder why atomic kitten never covered that song?
.
Not really much to report as most of day was driving. Not a good idea to drive with windows down - bugs bitchslap you and then die on your face. Lovely...
.

Monday 10th may 2004

.
We seriously had t do some washing of underwear today. The hotel was far too posh to have a laundrette and i was certainly not paying dry cleaning prices ($4 per under garment!!) so we took it upon ourselves to venture into the real vegas and find a local washateria. After driving past several body shaped chalk outlines on the pavement we came upon a charming little place downtown that looked like it was gang central for the jets and the sharks who were busy practising their street dance fight move outside. We tried to inconspiciously enter. As inconspicuosly as you can when you are dragging a large suitcase full of clothes in one hand and a book called 'Faerie Wars' in the other...
.
Once inside, 'twas uneventful and the washing got done as quickly as we could will the machines to spin round. There were lots of signs on the walls forbidding you to do lots of things like 'do not wash hair in machines' 'watch clothes in dryers as they may catch fire' and 'do not wash self in bathroom'. You hope people would disregard that last one a little and at least wash their hands otherwise it would be most unhygenic...
.
Gamble and sleep seemed to be the main order of the day so we went out and hit the 5 cent video poker in the evening. When I pulled out of the parking space to drive back to the Luxor, i shot forward thinking it would be quicker just to go straight ahead. it wasn't - there were huge concrete blocks to stop you going that way and there was some hefty bumper banging before i slammed on the brakes, wedging the blocks between the car wheels. YIKES! I had to drive very slowly to get the back wheels over, only to realise there was no way out that way so had to drive back over them to get out on the original side, scraping the undercarriage all the way. BLOODY HELL!!!!!!
.

Tuesday 11th May 2004

.
Why oh why would you pay good money to see a show and then just chat very loudly all the way through to your equally rude friends?? There are some places i fell that you should be quiet - like the queue for the coffee this morning. This terribly rude british woman was quite vocal about the fact that you just couldn't order a 'regular' coffee (even though the price board clearly said ' house coffee') "Oh bloody nora, i just want a black coffee not a flaming caramel merrypocahontiati latte - its just perfectly atrocious" I was scared to speak when i got to the counter in case people associated me with her so i had to put on a dreadful american accent which in retrospect, was probably more offensive to people than being linked with the harpy behind me.
.
Despite the noisy frat bro's, the legends in concert show was quite good. And we got to sit with nice people. Even though the old guy was convince that we were on the town to find some nice girls. Sweet. its been a long time since anyone assumed i was heterosexual. LAst time we were in vegas in nov 2002, a cigar chomping guy kept saying charming things to us like' i'll take you to grab some titties and slap some dollars on a hookers ass'. I didn't know what to say except 'how terribly bill clinton of you...' I have never moved so fast after a show before.
.
The legends show was impersonators of people like Tom Jones, the Beatles and Elvis. Even though it was obvious that the performers weren't the actual stars, but older less attractive (if fine sounding) substitutes, this fact seemed to escape several otherwise perfectly sane middle aged women. One group of ladies (all dressed in pink) were screaming like teenagers and the old crone next to me was clapping her hands like a demented seal. Crazy! Several cream pies were laid in ladies knickers that night... (TOO GROSS???)
.
The aretha soundalike was too concerned about her vocal acrobatics and held every night for about two minutes. In the end you just wanted to shout 'shut up and get on with it' But then she sang respect and everyone sang along. R-E-S-P-E-C-T - find out what it means to me - but then everyone got confused and sort of mumbled R-E-S-P-E-C-T take me some TCP - or found on my new cd - but then it was back to full volume for 'sock it to me' etc. Phew...

The Holiday Diaries: Los Angeles/Las Vegas May 2004 (Day Eight)

2006-10-27T03:41:00.000-07:00

Friday 7th May 2004

Saw the new Hugh Jackman movie today - he plays a guy who can't remember his past yet seems to exhibit superhuman powers (godly in this case) and has a weird connection to the films villain. Oh wait that's Hugh in XMen. Oh wait, no its Hugh in Van Helsing (hello Buff, The Vampire Slayer). So much better than the dreadful ride based on it at universal studios...

Am exhausted - spent 12 hours at Disney's California Adventure. As I write Darren is moaning because i want to get todays entry written up and he wants to go to bed. I gently remind him that the other night when he was watching Matt somebody interview the Friends cast, I had to try and go to sleep. He then retorted that I did nothing but complain about the noise. Selective memory much? He knows full well that I once (after an hour) said 'ooo it's whisper quiet' and that has now turned into complaining all night. Bless. Can't blame him - I can be a right little moaner...

Talking of moaners, on the coach back from Disney to our hotel, we were in front of this positively dreadful couple who did nothin but moan and criticise all the way back. Now I am all for sarcasm and bitterness and cynicism, but come on!! We were on our way back from the happiest place on earth (it was today too - the Aladdin musical and Electric [Youth] Parade were enchanting). I turned round and said 'as much as I enjoy your hate filled incessant chatter, do shut up or I will have to put your teeth down your throat.' If i was feeling particularly manly I would have said bee-atch at the end. But of course I didn't really say any of that - I am far too puny to carry out such a threat, so I just stayed quiet and inwardly seethed.

OOOO - tables turned. Some annoying bint in one of the lines today was jabbering on about Lemony Snicket (love those books) and how her 6th grade class were reading at an 8th grade level. I don't think she was saying it to praise her class, more like fishing for compliments herself. Anyhoo she found my 'Wrath of the math summing to get you' tshirt (which a math major friend at SUNY Geneseo gave me) 'hilarious'. Its my least stylish tshirt but who cares! In your face Tuesdays tshirt wearing Darren!!!!!

The Holiday Diaries: Los Angeles/Las Vegas May 2004 - Day Six

2006-10-25T13:03:00.000-07:00

Thursday 6th May 2004

Another day at universal studios doing all the stuff we didn't get to do on tuesday. However, the real deal of the day was that it was our anniversary. Our 4th anniversary. our universalry if you will... i am the master of remembering anniversaries and birthdays and special moments, etc, but for some insane reason I didn't get a card. And even worse Darren got me a beautiful card. So I spent the day mired in guilt, pretending that I had actually got a card until we were at Wal mart and Darren was looking at sour apple chews (ACK) and i had to crawl commando style across the candy aisles until I reached the cards. And of course they are all covered in f***ing glitter and completely ugly. And I only have like two seconds to choose and smuggle it to the checkout....At the end of the day I think it was my beautiful words that bought the card to life. There's no one like my darren :)

FRIENDS:It must be really difficult to cap off a tv show that has run for ten years, but i think the writers did a really good job - wrapping up the chick/duck story, gunthers lover for rachel, the end of the foosball table, a tender Chandler/Joey moment (Choey) and of course Ross and Rachel getting back together. Is it wrong that I will miss them so much?One quick thought - in england we get four ad breaks per hour and we know when they will be every fifteen minutes - quarter after, half past, quarter to and on the hour. USA has so many commercial breaks it did sometimes feel like the writers were writing stuff just to fit around the commercials - none of which were very good, and all of which got in the way of my emotional attachement to the show. I did, however, get tears when Chandler and Joey said goodbye and seeing the six walk out and leave the empty apartment was heart rendering and beautiful. And i will have to relive it all again on my annual friends season finale/big brother first night party at the end of may in england...

NEXT ON PAULS USA ADVENTURES....revenge on tuesdays darren! moaning? surely not??Hugh Jackman!!!tune in same bat time same bat channel...

The Holiday Diaries: Los Angeles/Las Vegas May 2004 - Day Five

2006-10-20T16:27:00.000-07:00

Wednesday 5th May 2004

Its a small world after all. It's a small world after all. It's a small small world. As great as that ride is at disneyland, I kind of wanted to swallow my tongue to end the madness. its a world of fun and a world of tears. AARRGGHHSeriously,, Disneyland was very magical. I kept singing 'how magical our magic is' - which i know is a song of Deborah Gibson's but for the life of me cannot place right now. Grrr.

Temperature of course was creeping up again so around lunch time I dragged Darren to see a theatrical production of Snow White in some much needed shade. I have a soft spot for the dwarves and have seven of them sitting on my bed at home. I truly believe they talk to each other when i am not there It was actually very good and made the spiderman musical seem even worse in retrospect. We were sitting about fifteen rows from the front and this mad old grandma in front got up as the cast took their final bow and waved her autograph book. I seriously think she wanted it signed... For a split second you could see Snow White's botoxed on smile almost falter (all Disney cast members have to have their smiles botoxed on, it is Disney law) and her eyes said 'oh sure granny, I will leap across the audience in my ridiculously heavy gown and sign some grotty piece of paper and then leap back without getting hassled by anyone else...' But of course she didn't , her soulless eyes and fixed smile returned and she waved and waltzed off into the sunset with her prince charming.

The rides were a lot of fun. I did notice one thing - i had on my extremely in this year pink t shirt on and was strutting around in an i'm comfortable with my sexuality and am jolly sexy thankyou very much sort of way. And what happens??? everyone comments on darrens tshirt (which i bought him) just because it has some japanese writing on (possibly rude/insulting judging from the giggles from the japanese tourists). I wanted to be noticed too! Feeling insecure and wanting an ego stroke i tried this kissometer machine thingymadoowaht. Weirdly it is astick that you clasp with your hand and nothing to do with your actual (very good so i am told) kissing skills. All that lip moistening for nothing. I only got 20 out of 100! 20!!!!! I am a fantastic kisser thankyou very much - that machine knows piss all. Darren can barely keep his tongue out of my mouth. In fact he almost woke me up that way this morning. I say almost because he wont kiss me on the mouth (like pretty woman) unless i have cleaned my teeth first. So it was mainly fingers and thumbs Must keep a mint under my pillow! But i digress.....

On the way out of the park, this woman/castmember (botoxed smile) asked Darren (ignoring me despite fabbo pink tshirt) all these questions about his day in a very monosyllabic voice. She was like a robot, not understanding darrens accent 'does not compute does not compute' blink three times and power down...

The Holiday Diaries: Los Angeles/Las Vegas May 2004 - Day Four

2006-10-17T09:54:00.000-07:00

Tuesday 4th May 2004

Lovely day at Universal studios. Weather so much cooler than yesterday so not walking around with slimy smooth sweat skin and tshirt stuck to my back. Mmmm, raunchy!There are some really great things at Universal Studios. A live action show of Waterworld is great (and with an audience capacity of 1000 means that already more people today have seen it than saw the movie )The cast are introduced as 'as seen in Law and Order' or 'as seen in Pirates of the Caribbean'. You do get the feeling that if you go up to them and asked who they were, they may say 'Pirate number 11'and out of politeness you go 'ooo you were great, so much better than pirate number ten' and they are standing there nodding, lapping up every word, thinking 'hey thats what my mom says too...'

Jurassic Park the water ride is also great - huge drop at the end. Darren and I were in front of this game old bird, Betty, whose last words as she went over the drop were 'I should have bought a maaaaaccccc'. her perm didn't move a millimetre.

Find of the day was the special effects show - the hosts Paul and Martin were so camp they made me look butch. paul blatently ignored my little Darren when asking if anyone was from abroad. I like to think it was because Paul saw him and fell deeply in love and was afraid that if he spoke to him it would betray his true feelings.

Spiderman rock and roll musical was dreadful. Sure, holding out for a hero worked sort of as an anthem for peter parker (stunning pecs on the guy who played him!!) but having the potential rapists of Mary Jane sing She Bangs wass just wrong. Wronger than William Hung singing it. And that is some serious wrong.

Ended off the day watching 13 going on 30. how incandescent was jennifer garner - and her best friend matty turned out to be her best hottie when he grew up. Mark something or other is the foxy beast actor. read is a magazine he survived a brain tumor - hot and a survivor :)

The Holiday Diaries: Los Angeles/Las Vegas (Day three)

2006-10-15T08:07:00.000-07:00

Monday 3rd may 2004

Just a short one today - the hotel is phenomenal. Puts those common Hiltons to shame. As Hilary Duff says they are so yesterday. Room is absolutely cavenous and on the plus side none of the staff have seen me naked or know anything about the size of darrens *ahem* manhood. On the downside, realised that I am in Orange County and not one of the reception staff has said 'Welcome to the o.c. bitch' and punched me in the gob. Television can be so misleading...

Darren and I both woke really early due to our patriotism keeping us on british time for far too long. I was furious with cousin Jetlag (the evil spawn of Father Time and Mother Nature obviously...) and my anger soon spread to old ma nature herself. it was well over 100 degrees today. So hot! Really, is there any need for it to be that hot. i walked around in a hazy daze of summer. Six Flags (where we were for the day) was surprisingly empty - probably because everyone was in air conditioned malls. I swear its true that only mad dogs and englishmen go out in the midday sun. oh and this foul girl who kept spitting her excess phlegm out and had her ample rear packed in to far too short green shorts. Kylie or Beyonce she was not. And green shorts??? Whatever...

Just realised I am now officially 30. Checked mirror. Still think i only look 26 and three quarters. Phew.

Darren looks like sh*t. I think the poor lamb has heat sickness. he has consumed about nine gallons of water. His belly is with child. he should perk up tomorrow the little trooper....

The Holiday Diaries: Los Angeles/Las Vegas May 2004 - Day Two (Part Three)

2006-10-11T11:54:00.000-07:00

Sunday may 2nd 2004 - the aeroplane (still!)

EVEN LATER!!!I seriously cannot take Darren anywhere without him spilling omething on himself. We were in Spain once and he was quite drunk. Now when Darren gets drunk he is extremely horny. Before he gets horny however, he gets hungry and is consumed by, well, an all consuming passion for something fat and greasy. no, i mean a cheeseburger of course! So he stops by this street vendors cart that you wouldn't feed a dog from and buys this incredibly fatty and greasy looking cheeseburger. I am pushing him down the street as his legs seem to lose the inability to walk when he is intoxicated. The burger is everywhere, pavement, hands tshirt... its not until darren has scooped some curious looking greenish melted tshirt into his mouth off his tshirt, that i realise a bird is pooping on him as we speak. And he has scooped the lot into his mouth. EW EW EW! Still what you don't know can't hurt you...

Anyway, back to the plane - darren manages to get through his sausage kobler without any spillages. The chocolate mousse is a different story. As soon as he takes the top off the brown gunk explodes all over his beige t shirt. This is worse than the bird poo - because it looks like real poo. i, between my barely masked smirks, advise him to dab at it with club soda - the miracle cure for everything on aeroplanes. he does so with his yellow serviette. bad Idea. He now has two yellow brownish circles with browner centres alarmingly placed where his nipples are. At least people are staring at him now....

EVEN LATER STILL!!!I do not deal with turbulence well. It was a particularly bumpy landing and i thought my heart would fail when an oxygen mask came down from above my head. I realise now that i may have overreacted when i creamed in a high pitched voice 'Oh Sweet baby Jesus, no!' and grabbed the mask, placing it over my head and taking in deep breaths of precious life. Especially as my oxygen mask was the only one to come down on the whole plane, due to a loose screw. Back to staring at me.

Coming soon - the first real day in america...

The Holiday Diaries: Los Angeles/Las Vegas May 2004 (day two, part two)

2006-10-10T00:18:00.000-07:00

How simple do the staff of Virgin Atlantic flight 023 think their passengers are? You get on at the front of thee plane and some perfectly coiffered barbie/ken doll informs you that your seat is up the aisle in the only direction you can go! Hardly mentally stimulating...

I always get a seat behind some really heavy guy - the one who you think has his chair in the reclined position until he actually puts the chair in the recline position and you are suddenly pinned down by the dinner tray until a kindly steward sets you free. This steward would be the impossibly named Dale Toy. Seriously. Makes a change from the ridiculously top heavy (and less lyrically named) Eleanor Wanklin whose boobs threaten to suffocate me as she leans across to pour darren a coffee. I have an inexplicable urge for milk and realise that my mouth is opn millimetres away from her inappropriately erect nipples (although i am a hottie). Luckily she was too busy with her taking pouring coffee duties to notice...

There is something about cabin pressure that makes my nose bleed profusely and today proved to be no exception. Blood started gushing at alarming speeds from my right nostril and when i had successfully decorated three hankies in autumnal red, Darren had had enough and pressed the attendant call button. Mercifully I get Mr Toy who looks at me like i am a leper and scurries off for more help. At this point i estimate that i have lost pints of blood and start to feel very light headed. I was somewhat aware that Toyboy and Wanklin have returned and are jamming all sorts of things white at my nostril. I close my eyes hoping it would all go away and curse all the nosey bastards finding me far more interesting that the flights poor choice of movies....

SOMETIME LATER...I must have fainted (translation: nodded off) and awake somewhat bleary eyed and in need of the bathroom. I join the line of people who continue to stare at the freak with the nosebleed. I finally get to the front of the line and enter the tiny cubicle (how and why people have sex in here is beyond me). First rule of thumb: make sure you have your shoes on when you go to the bathroom. I took mine off and realise with horror that my socks are now soaking up what i can only pray is water on the toilet floor. What have people been doing in here??? The horror felt by this vileness is replaced by the worse when i glance in the mirror and realise that either Toyboy or Wanklin has jammed what i can only pray is a clean tampon up my right nostril....

To be continued...

The Holiday Diaries: Los Angeles/Las Vegas May 2004 - Day Two (part one)

2006-10-08T04:57:00.000-07:00

After checking out of hotel in baseball cap and sunglasses (due to paranoia that newly homophobic Ian (or newly gay curious) (hey can you have parenthesis within parenthesis) has outed me to entire reception staff), its time to catch the coach to the airport. Coach is so full that darren and i are separated (oh the heartache). Darren sits next to this group of men who look like they would club him like a baby seal if they knew he was man on man inclined. I get mr Average american and his latest purchase, a miserable looking and much younger Thai bride (1985 model) Thai bride isn't enjoying the coach journey, so i spend the next forty minutes trying to ignore her wretching her phlegm into a kwik-save bag. i feel it is futile to point out that the bag has a hole at the bottom and most of the mucas cocktail is dripping over her crimpoline skirt.

At the start of the film Love ...actually, hunky prime minister Hugh Grant narrates that the airport is a great place to see people full of hope, love and anticipation. That is so true. Today, however, the airport isn't quite as idyllic as the film makes out. instead it is full of people rushing and pushing and complaining that there are too many people in line at starbucks. Oh well. I choose only to see the magic until a tiny spanish woman swings her backpack onto her shoulder (which surely must be full of potatoes it is so heavy), knocks me flying and then mutters something rude AT ME!!! I am soon as bitter and twisted as everyone else.

The toffifee candy in duty free reminds of the time i bought 3 boxes of the stuff and darren told me that i had to eat them all before i got on the plane due to custom restrictions. I was begrudgingly plowing through box three (I certainly wasn't going to waste any at £3.75 per box) before darren admitted he had made it up. I was very unattracted to him for several minutes and have been able to look at a toffifee since...Flight is finally called and we excitedly trot down to the plane. Even a slightly unflattering reflection of me in the mirrored wall (slight paunch, blotchy skin) fails to dampen my enthusiasm. Surely must be fun house mirror as I work out religiously (Christmas, Easter, Chrismukkah, rashashan kwanza etc)

Part two of day two (the aeroplane) to follow...

The Holiday Diaries: Los Angeles/Las Vegas - May 2004 (Day One)

2006-10-07T08:36:00.000-07:00

Saturday may 1st 2004 - drive down to airport was slow and boring. have checked into one of paris' dads hotels at the gatwick Airport. The room is massive - no wonder Paris is forced to do tv shows like the simple life. There can't be much profit on this room. While Darren was investigating the cavernous bathroom, i wrote him a saucy note ('you have a massive love muscle ) to hide under his pillow as a joke, but he came out too soon so i didn't have time to hide it had to abandon after drawing an associated visual...

Later... OH MY GOD! am absolutely mortified. Was lying in gigantic double bed (which has to be the size of my entire upstairs at home) sans clothes, when there is a knock at the door. Sent darren to answer it as he is dressed - and you can't see the bed from the door. Turns out it was one of the hotel staff getting his numbers wrong. Darren decides to ask him about the shower (as it has come off the wall) so he has quick look. he then decides to call reception about it and walks round the corner and sees me naked (apart from quickly and strategically placed sheet) leaning on my hand like some F***ing gay aphrodite watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire. For a second our eyes lock and I'm not sure who went redder - him or naive looking Ian who couldn't be a day over seventeen...he shuffles over to the phone while i try to make myself look as invisible as possible. Poor ian stares at the phone for about an hour (ten seconds), mumbles something about it being broken and literally runs out of the room.

I leap out of bed, put some clothes on and start yelling at Darren about letting him in while i was in bed when he could have sent him away - a 'sorry wrong room' type of deal. My eyes fall to the allegedly broken phone and to my extreme horror, see that in big letters right next to said phone is a note saying 'Darren has a massive love muscle' with lewd and charming accompanying picture. Oh. My. god.

No wonder Ian ran from the room like a squealing pig - if he wasn't homophobic before he will be now! (or curious!!)

Part two of 17 (!) tomorrow