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The Florida 2010 Diaries ~ Part Two

Wednesday 1st December 2010:

Hurrah. It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas. It's the first of December and despite warnings of a sharp temperature drop, it turns out to be the hottest first of December in Orlando for yonks. Luckily, The Magic Kingdom (now the second most magical place on earth) has decked their halls and I'm ready to fa la la along with the Disney crew. Amazeballs. We arrive at the opening gate with about ten minutes to spare and enjoy a nice little sing and dance routine. This is like the contents of my head come to life because each morning, I imagine that life IS a song and dance routine. It's all very twee and looks of wonderment abound, etc. Charming. And then the gates open...

Let the memories begin indeed. It is a scene of carnage and devastation as parents grab, pull and drag their children and run through the not that busy main street to get to the attractions first. "Mommy, it's cindy-wella's castle" pants one breathless little girl. "Yeah yeah, i've seen it before, we will look later" chides the trotting mare of a mother. "I need the toilet" whines another probably desperate little boy. "Well i hope you know we will spend most the day in lines now" fumes his dad. Good grief. Way to embrace the enchantment.

The part was fairly empty. I've done my research. I know which parks will be quietest on which days and which order to do the fastpasses/rides. It involves a bit of (darren) criss-crossing and lots of walking but it totally works. Though the lines are minimal for the magic kingdown we seem to remain one step ahead all day - arriving to walk onto rides just as queues build up behind us. I think the haunted mansion is my fave, though I must once again express (milk) my disappointment that they don't Nightmare Before Christmas it all up like they do in California.

The jungle cruise - always a hoot - was delightful for one reason: Unfeasibly long fingered camp chicken Devon. He did a brilliant southern accent "I do declare" which reminded me of Dame Annie from Sunset Beach. And he made an amazing Shakira-muppets waka waka joke that I don't entirely recall now, but made me chortle even if it went over everyone elses head. Go twink Devon!

Was a lovely day until we got totally and horribly lost on the way back to the hotel. What a bummer. The gleaming light of hope was a Super Target with a starbucks where a nice barista directed us while I enjoyed a delicious white chocolate mocha with peppermint. Yummy. Coming out of the store, Darren asked me why I had bought People magazine (it's usually shite isn't it?) "Oh to have a perv over the 25 sexiest men" I answered loudly strolling through the parking lot. A rough looking dude in a pick up WITH AN ACTUAL RED NECK looked well angry at this so I quickly said in a well butch gruff voice "oh i mean lady dudes with beautiful pussies." One can't be too careful - he had God stickers on his car and according to the news, there has already been rapes, murders and muggings. Delightful...

Thursday 2nd December 2010:

The morning news is still about rapes murders and muggings (and now police brutality. Some old geezer sassed a cop and got his neck broken. Harsh.) None of these are the top stories. No sirreebob. There are two far more important stories. One is the cold snap that has dropped the temperature 10 degrees in Orlando. It is now a little bit chilly. There are clips of people at Walmart in shorts and a t-shirt with a blanket wrapped round them going "this wind chill is gonna kill me. Imma gonna go Miami" Incredible. The other story is Susan Boyle showing the limits of her voice on some tv show where she croaks, pulls a face and asks if she can start again. On live tv. Silly SuBo. Oh how I longed to be on twitter. You can now pinpoint on youtube the moment when she realises that if she ever had to sing more than one song on a tv talent show, she wouldn't be where she is now. VIVA MARY BYRNE!!!

Oh, ok, it was actually quite chilly waiting for Animal Kingdom to open. My nipples were clearly visible through my favourite Unsung Hero t-shirt (Discotheque). Crew member Aaron at the ticket gate could barely take his eyes off them. I'm sure I had a "my face is up here mister" moment with him!! People in the line were having a right good natter about the best strategy to get to Everest before anyone else. I love a bit of organisational strategy but this was mind numblingly dull and a moot point because a) it's not very good and b) they walk you there behind a velvet rope. VELVET ROPE! (Janet Jackson) One woman was so eager to be first, she practically straddled Aaron's rope. I bet it gave her the best ride of the day. Thanks to our excellent ropework we were on and off in less than ten minutes.

More rides followed (including Dinosaur, which was like behing shaken from behind. In the dark. For ten minutes). The highlight was definitely the Kilimanjiro Safaris. Not for the slightly racist white truck driver whose African game reserve accent was more Jamican than anything else (he was no Devon). Not it was for the batty old woman behind. She was brilliant. Couldn't see a baby rhino not 10 feet from her line of vision yet she came out with (what I thought were) hilarious one liners like (when a herd of graceful gazel were pointed out) "oh i wish I had a gun"!! & (when some ostrich eggs were spotted) "mmm omelettes"! Amazeballs. There were lots of tuts and shushs but I thought she was brillo. Rock it bonkers Granny!

Felt need for shopping. Went to mall. Bumped into someone from Darren's gym. It's a small world after all...

More soon!

Posted by Paul 5:01 am  

1 Comment:

  1. Richard said...
    Oh, to be there. My family and I are going at the end of February, so until then, I'm living vicariously through you. My favorite part? The fact that Charlie has taken to reading these aloud to me. He MUST enjoy your writing, because there are two things in life that Charlie generally despises: Disney and entertaining me. (I can be a rather demanding audience with a short attention span.)

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