Site Network: Home | Blogcrowds | Gecko and Fly | About

thezapping second annual city centre crash pad Christmas party!

Ah, the annual zapping (ie PazDance and DazPants) festive bash was attended by a glittering array of celebrities on Saturday night. And by celebrities, I of course do mean my lovely group of loyal and amazing friends. Bless them all. We all crammed into our tiny apartment for some Christmassy capers (space is at a premium in the city centre) and let the merriment take us over. Lets talk you through it picture styl-ee...
Aw, don't Mr Panteloons and I look adorable here in our new togs thanks to 20% off day at the ever reliable Debenhams. And DazPinkie still looks hot despite (or because of?) nursing a temperature...
Aw, part two. It is the continuing adventures of Ruthiepoos and her lesbian lover Louise. There was really no need to write lesbian lover, but it was just such lovely alliteration i couldn't resist. Plus our kitchen looks super lovely in this shot, and that's what is important, n'est pas?
Aw, part three (i'll be bored of that soon, I promise!) Look my work pal Cat has arrived and her lovely cuddly husband Adam. From the looks of it, Cat may be angling to dampen her hubby's ardour with a quick drink spill down his pants!!
They're coming up so we better get this party started. On a Saturday night, etc. Note the moody people on the right who didn't think I would fit them in the shot. Oh ye of little faith...
It's mark and craig! They may possibly be sexuals of the homo variety. And it looks like our tiny tiny but loveable tree may be on fire!
Hurrah! Time to pull out a gift from Santa's sack (insert own filthy comment here)
Craig can get his arm in up to his elbow. I'm wincing as I type...
Lucky PaulHair and Justin are thrilled to have received the gayest my little pony ever.
And Adam is bored of waiting! Oh no this is all going horribly wrong. Christmas is ruined Adam! (mainly because Mark seems to have gone limp!)
Hurrah! Christmas is un-ruined as some v exciting rock 'em pop 'em festive robots are unleashed in the most macho display of testosterone all evening...
Harona (or Hironda Mitsubishi as I call her) does how clean is your house. Or possibly that scene with the butter in the shower in Bad Girls...
yes, yes, definitely the butter/crotching scene from Bad Girls, judging by their smiles! Seriously though we love Hironda and Stef :)
Me showing off my Starbucks advent calendar. Seriously, commission please Mr Bucks. That f***ing sandwich toaster on top of the fridge creeps into every bloody shot. How irritatous.
Oh how we all laughed when Ben was ejeculated from the factor of the x...
and so the evening draws to a close as I force everyone to listen to the Big Fun album for the third time. It's true. you can't shake the feeling...

Posted by Paul 10:50 pm 3 comments  

The Holiday Diaires: Gran Canaria Nov 06 Days 6&7

Thursday 30th November 2006
READ: Another Entertainment Weekly; more Son Of A Witch
WATCHED: The OC 401 & 402
LISTENED: Simon Curtis' Alter Boy; Wicked cast recording
Having the night off from booze did me the world of good. I think my body was still osmosing the green evil as I stepped into the shower. L'Oreal's new showerburst stuff is incredibly foamy. I just love getting lathered up!
We went for quite the nice walk along the epic sand dunes of Playa and Maspalomas (and heeded the advice of SDB from Switch22 not to get lost as it's a notorious gay pick up place!). There was a smashing little breeze and Darren and I gabbed ten to the dozen about everything and nothing, which made the time pass surprisingly quickly! It's a hefty hike however (ooo good alliteration) so we were a bit lazy, caught a taxi back and then had lunch and did bugger all for the rest of the afternoon!
In the evening we frequented our new favourite dive, bar Ibiza – home of the green evil. The owners are quite lovely, they have great sketch show selections playing on the big screen and I bonded with them over my love and knowledge of early Depeche Mode. We then bar-hopped for a little while before ending up back at bar Ibiza. The slightest whiff of the green evil churned my stomach so I stuck to the juice (no Gin). Daz got hammered though so I did my normal trick I do when I want to go home – ask him if he is hungry and then wait for his stomach to catch up to the suggestion. We were soon at Kentucky. I've never seen anyone so happy to eat a tower burger. It was embarrassing. He practically made love to it. Him and that tower burger should have got a room. And then my trick worked – he was tired and wanted to go back! So we did. And then we got a room. Twice. If you know what I mean ;)
MP3: Simon Curtis – Left Right Left
MP3: Wicked – For Good
Friday 1st December 2006
READ: Gay Times; finished Son of a Witch; started Ben Elton's Chart Throb
WATCHED: Nothing!
LISTENED: Kylie 'White Diamond'; Aly & AJ's Acoustic Hearts of Winter
Last day :( But viva December! My ultimate most favourite delicious lovely month of the year. If December were a man (which I'm pretty sure it is. A gay one at that – all that sparkle and tinsel?!) I would show how much I love it by gently surprising it with my lovestick from behind. If you know what I mean. DazPoked knows what I mean ;) Mom and Dad, gloss over this and don't even dwell upon it!!
Went for a mammoth festive shopping session at Springfield, Zara and Pull&Bear. DazPurchase got some new shirts, while – apart from a kicky pair of new trousers – I went for accessories: an ace new belt, snugly new pair of gloves, scarf, etc. it's all in the details. I'm always thrilled to get Christmas themed shopping bags too. I remember a brilliant one from a few years back from Abercrombie with a half naked boy with a santa cap on. Smashing…
Went for a lovely meal out and looked at the massive red candle laded ribbon laid out in tribute to World Aids Day. Quite sobering – however the centre was bathed in twinkling fairy lights and with lots of fundraising going on, it seemed like a lovely heartfelt tribute.
Journey home tomorrow – I have saved some Veronica mars to watch on the plane and have the very excellent and very readable Chart Throb to plough through too!!
MP3: Kylie – White Diamond (live)
MP3: Aly & AJ – deck the halls
MP3: Rockapella – leaving on a jet plane

Posted by Paul 11:58 pm 0 comments  

The Holiday Diaries: Gran Canaria Nov 06 Days 4-5

Tuesday 28th November 2006
READ: FHM Magazine; Finished Skeleton Key
WATCHED: Desperate Housewives 309; Smallville 601
LISTENED: Darin's Break The News cd; Lockdown sampler
The morning after the night before. Which is a pretty obvious statement really isn't it and I have no idea why people put such an emphasis on it in British society. But enough deliberations on ruminations… DazPoorly felt a little worse for wear so we went for a walk around Playa to catch some sun and get some exercise. I love the way Darren and I can wander comfortably in silence, but then be brimming with enthusiasm and excitement over some random thought that has popped into our head. Brillo!
. Another night out started with a jugful of cocktails at Bar Ibiza. What a lethal mistake. The thing was brimming with alcohol and after a couple of glasses of the green concoction, I was most definitely three sheets to the proverbial wind. So everything after that was a bit of a blur. I seem to recall being a very enthusiastic audience member at a half empty La Belle and being given a bottle of champagne that apparently I can canned my way to the stage to accept. And I kind of recall being very exuberant and flirtatious at Centre stage whilst knocking back the Malibu and pineapples. And I remember making Darren a tuna, sweetcorn, cheese and mayo sandwich that was no doubt delicious. But what stands out most in my mind is how horribly horribly sick I was for a good 60 minutes before I somehow managed to drag my drunk arse to bed and pass out as the darkness of the spinning room closed in on me….
. MP3: Darin – Insanity
MP3: Lockdown – You've Got It
Wednesday 29th November 2006
READ: The Take That issue of Attitude (finally!); started rereading Son Of A Witch (wicked sequel)
WATCHED: Smallville 602 and 603
LISTENED: Beyond sampler; Chorus Line 2006 cast recording
. I have definitely got the drinkers remorse L Truthfully, I'm not actually that much of a drinker – I don't drink at home and I don't feel the need to drink everytime I go out. Probably stems from my mormon upbringing! So I did indeed feel rough this morning. Little DazPity took me for a greasy breakfast which actually helped stem the queasiness for a while.
Both of us felt the need for a night off from the booze and the partying so we had a nice evening out watching some over 50s international gym festival which bizarrely featured line dancers with umbrellas! Ummm, okay… We also wandered around the shops – the Yumbo Centrum actually has some great clothes shops which will be testing my credit card later this week. Oh and we had a lovely Chinese meal and the freshest, most delicious orange juice I've ever tasted. My system must have absorbed the vitamin c tout de suite…
I'm quite enjoying the addition of Oliver Queen (the Green Arrow) to Smallville. I would like to see him and Robin Hood tustle… Catching up and only on episode three of the new season means I'm somewhat behind, but it was nice to hear James Carrington's gorgeous Ache over the closing scene that showed how alone Clark is by featuring shots of Chloe with Jimmy Olsen, Lana with Lex and Lois with Oliver. Poor Clarky is all alone playing with his ball. How sad :(
MP3: Beyond – Just Don't Have The Heart
MP3: Chorus Line – what I did for love
MP3: James Carrington - ache

Posted by Paul 6:13 am 1 comments  

The Holiday Diaries: Gran Canaria Nov 2006 - day 3

Monday 27th November 2006

READ: 2 Entertainment Weeklys; more of Skeleton Key
WATCHED: Brothers and Sisters 108 & 109
LISTENED: Take That's Beautiful World cd; Dina Carroll – Escaping
BOUGHT: Lip balm and a newspaper
Not so lazy today (although still fairly high on the lazy-o-meter!) Went to local shopping centre Alantico. Was all decked out and festive and lovely, although I still can't imagine Christmas in the heat. DazPernot was too tired to even pretend to be interested in my clothes shopping needs so we are going to come later in the week for all my fashion essentials. Just went to supermarket to get some food and lip balm to make my dry crackly lips all kissable again (I hope Ruthiepoos never has this problem!) The amount of people just throwing a cow leg or pig rump into their carts was staggering. These things ain't light either. I walked into one hanging on a rack and it nearly knocked me over. I am pretty fragile though…
Later, after a game of upwords (it was a draw for the first time ever – though DazPoints did manage to get the highest single score ever. 40. Kudos), some boozy refreshments and DazPast miming in just his socks to several vintage Tina Turner songs, we decided to hit the town…
In retrospect, allowing DazPlastered to have something called "a large beer" all night was an error in judgement. It will be easier for me to list the mishaps that ensued…
.~Choosing a rare moment of quiet in the bar to do a very loud Catherine Tate impression
~Falling off his barstool and literally breaking the wall behind him, then collapsing on the floor in a fit of giggles while rest of the bar assessed the quite substantial damage
~Drunkenly, but good humouredly trying to blame said wall on innocent guy passing by for bathroom
~As I apologised on his behalf to the barstaff (who didn't care anyway) that he was very sorry (I had ordered him in my fiercest voice to look contrite), I turned around to see he had chosen that very moment to "mock" anally probe some random guy with a glow stick that he had just been given!
.It got worse when we left the bar. The five minute journey home took forty minutes, largely because of the following…
.~thinking a fence looked "sad" so he decided to give it a hug?!?!
~Finding a hatch in the fence and spending several minutes shouting hello and tapping it to see if the 'others' were on the other side
~Waving flirtatiously at every single car that passed by
~Telling me in what I can only imagine he thought was a "quiet" voice that the woman approaching (who was less than 10 metres away) was tiny. Then as she passed by, he bent over and said "hello" as the poor, not particularly short lass scuttled by
~As we approached the complex, I warned Darren to be quiet. He took this to mean tiptoe-in-cartoon-exaggerated-style through the lobby with his fingers on his lips before collapsing into giggles every 2 steps and starting over again

Finally got him home and tucked up in bed. Season 4 Buffy was right – beer bad ;)

MP3: Take That – Reach Out
MP3: Dina Carroll - Escaping

Posted by Paul 10:44 pm 0 comments  

The holiday diaries: Gran Canaria Nov 2006

Saturday 25th November 2006
How come if Gran Canaria is "only" four hours away, it takes so long to get there? Travel to and from airports, check in time, waiting for luggage = 2 grumpy travellers. And it all started off so well…
.we woke at 6.30am and by the time we had showered and had coffee, DazProzac was extremely overstimulated and dancing round the living room in his Hanes (see they aren't just for Jessica Simpson!) It's certainly a mental image that will never leave me. Because we wanted infinitely better flight times, we chose to fly from Manchester airport. In the words of Catherine Tate's Mrs Taylor – worra load of old shit. The departure lounge had too many things all crammed together, the shops were appallingly laid out and there weren't enough seats. It's one redeeming feature was (naturally) a starbucks, so DazPleasureBeach and I enjoyed a nice panini and coffee. Yummers
.The flight was pretty good – we got exit seats so were able to stretch out and relax. Apart from the grumbling of the old man next to us – he didn't like the announcements; the gay trolley dolly was too enthusiastic; the captain was two minutes out when he announced the local time; I was disturbing him when I had my reading light on, etc., etc. Still, it helped us bond with the cabin staff by sharing discreet and then not so discreet looks and rolling eyes. I had my mp3/video player so listened to the new antonym callea (meh) and Westlife's The Love Album. I also watched Not Another Gay Movie – a film so politically incorrect, that I'm sure I should have been offended by the lazy stereotypes. But I wasn't. I thought it was pretty funny. Clearly, though, nobody in England would buy Graham Norton as sexy – and I certainly won't look at him the same way again after his Belgian surprise (a scene that took me so much by surprise that I accidentally hit the slow reverse button and got to watch it all "go back in")
.After landing and picking up our rental car (a Renault Clitoris or some such nonsense), we dumped our cases and went out for a boogie. Only, we were shattered and tia maria & orange juice only added to the tiredness and made us delirious. After being unable to decide whether two drag queens doing Heads, Shoulders, Knees & Toes was an illusion or not (it wasn't :O ), we decided to pop into brill musicals bar, Centre Stage to see our friend Gez. Kept eyes open long enough to catch up on the gossip/sing a few Chicago numbers/do various Catherine Tate impressions, before I dragged an almost catatonic DazPlastered home and lay awake for forty minutes listening to him moan "I'm so tired…" Still, got some good snuggling out of it though…
MP3: Antony Callea – Home
MP3: Westlife – The Dance
Sunday 26th November 2006
READ: Q Magazine; started Skeleton Key (alex rider)
WATCHED: Nip/Tuck 411; Prison Break 212
LISTENED: Simon Curtis' "Put Your Makeup On"; Switch22's "Back To The Dancefloor"
BOUGHT: David Beckham's Instinct.
What a lazy day we had. We both hauled ourselves out of bed at about 11am, went for a little walk around before deciding that we were too tired for such exertions and headed back to our little bungalow for some lunch and a spot of sunbathing before a "power" nap that 'accidentally' lasted til 7pm. Oops…#
.Decided to eat at nearby restaurant for dinner and I had quite a tasty lasagne. Darren stretched his culinary palete by having a baked potato with cheese. (something kinda) ooh! Still, to be fair it did look quite tasty…
.Went to La Belle Showbar where I had the world's largest ever white Russian drink. I mean it was just ridiculously huge :O The glass and contents alone were heavy, yet somehow – just somehow – I managed to choke it down. I was soon quite tipsy and was babbling on about a load of crap to DazPatience whose eyes soon became so iced over you could have skated on them. So we moved onto Centre Stage (which was spookily playing clips from Moulin Rouge the same day that Poppostergirl was posting about it. Fancy!) where we got chatting to a perfectly lovely married couple (I always notice if the gays are wearing rings)who made such an impact that their names escape me right now… Oops part two…#
.At some point in the evening, DazPanicAtTheDisco surpassed me in the drunken monkey stakes. I can pinpoint the exact second that happened – I came out of the bathroom to see my man waving his t-shirt around his head and dancing with some common navvy. Shocking. Although, clearly I wasn't shocked enough not to whip out the camera and take a topless pic, hehe ;) Said navvy then asked if I wanted a threesome. I swear it is the single gays latest hobby, picking up the married gays. I think I was quite polite and restrained in my response ("step off and take yo eyes of ma man". Or "no" probably…) Ended the night dancing to Ain't No Other Man and realising that as a song, it's not as good as it thinks it is

Posted by Paul 12:45 pm 4 comments  

The Zapping Holiday Diaries: Los Angeles/Las Vegas May 2004

Saturday 15th/Sunday 16th May 2004 - THE LAST ENTRY

i am currently uncomfortable and flying several thousand feet over nova scotia or someone equally lovely as i write this so i will combine my saturday and sunday journal entries with this trip home.I have been to several all you can eat buffets this week and have come to two conclusions: one - it is entirely wasted on me. I can barely get through a full plate and then always feel guilty for not finishing it and feel guilty for not eating more. So i come out with a distended belly and weighed down by guilt. Not a good combination... two - some people seem to think the all you can eat logo is their own personal challenge and pile their plate sky high as they sink their chompers into a whole fried chicken. I don't know whether to admire them or fear them (i certainly get the impression that i would lose an eye if i got between them and the dessert cart.)

Saturday was las vegas gay pride. It was the least proud convention i have ever seen. It was held in some out of town disused sports hall that you had to pay $12 to get into and all that was inside were some vendors and a dj. Apparently last year the organiser did a runner with all the money the night before pride. I think that person did the las vegas gay community a favour - they have been very poorly represented. At least i now can't wait for Birmingham pride back home...

I swear the guy in front of me is the heaviest guy in the world. I am all for reclining the seat but i could practically do dental work on this chap. I should too - he has a nasty molar that needs filling. dentists are nasty - mine always jams the aspirator right into my cheek so i walk round for the next week with only one cheek. (I would like to point out that i of course mean the cheek on my face - god only knows what would happen if he jammed the aspirator into my other cheek )

I despise the middle seat as it has now caused me the most amount of embarrassment that is possible (even more than the tampon up my nose on the way here). I had already asked the guy next to me to move three times so i could pee/brush my teeth/stretch my legs and i couldn't wake him so i thought that i could just stand on my seat and climb over him without waking him (what was i thinking ) i not only whacked my head very hard on the air blowy hole thing and said fuck extremely loudly but then as i put my leg over him i realised it was a very bad idea but i was losing my balance annd oh yes. i stumble and now the poor guy is awake and his head is now buried into my crotch while i have almost fallen over the back of the seat and have knocked a drink over on the woman behind him. Why am i always the least popular person on the plane??? Good bye america i will miss you...

Posted by Paul 9:38 am 0 comments  

The Holiday Diaries: Los Angeles/Las Vegas May 2004 - Day 14

Friday 14th May 2004

Waking up to rita rudners dreadful ' ask rita' show is just not as satisfying as waking up to ryan seacrest's radio show in LA (seriously - when does the guy ever sleep - 6 morning radio shows, 5 daily talk shows, 2 american idol shows??? plus shopping for suits and sneakers - so needs his hair rehighlighted)Today on Ask Rita, she had herself surrounded with z list comedians who i really believe think they are funny. One question was 'people think that i am funny at work - could i be a comedian?' You could see the look of horror on everyones face. They were all mortified "oh no ordinary people can't be funny like us, its a gift a calling. you only think you're funny, etc. etc." Stars have such fragile egos...

Spent most of the day shopping and driving and singing aling to the Connie and Carla soundtrack. In the evening we went to see this free show outside Treasure Island (or TI as it is 'trendily' now known) called sirens. its about 5 scantily dressed women (a ginger one a scary one a posh one, you get the picture...) who can only sing somewhat, compensate for their shoddy dancing skills by seducing men with their attitude and breasts. So THATS what the spice girls are up to nowadays. Still the show was a fairly entertaining pirate romp musical (cd available in the lobby. Really!) but nowhere near as classy as the fountains display to music at the front of the bellagio (oceans 11 hotel) They set it to 'ONE' from Chorus Line and it was exquisite. Unlike all the other hotels on the strip, the Bellagio doesn't need a gimmick to lure people in. I hesitate to use the word classy to often as i feel it cheapens everything. I always think country bumpkins use it when they see the indoor flushing bathroom facilities at dennys.

To end our lovely day of sophistication, we went t get a 3/4lb hotdog from westward ho - the trailer park casino of vegas. There is something however, suprememly satisfying about eating cheap meat (insert own joke here) and playing cheap slots (insert own joke here) and being served by cheap women (westward ho's??) to round off your day.

Go home day after tomorrow. Sad already

Posted by Paul 5:51 am 3 comments  

The Holiday Diaries: Los Angeles/Las Vegas May 2004 - Day 13

Thursday 13th may 2004

I love rita rudner. I have her book 'tickled pink' which i found to be affectingly charming. Everytime i am in las vegas i stop at new york new york and look at the electronic billboard that advertises her show : "Hello. I'm Rita Rudner. And, yes - i'm really doing the splits. and yes - it hurts. now could someone help me up please" (trust me its hilarious in person) Brilliant! I saw her host her own tv show, however, today and it was just horrible. Ask Rita. Ask rita to get off the tv more like. You could see her wide eyes moving along, terrified, with the autocue. She looked like a cross between a deer caught in the headlights and a deer caught well doing something else (not sure what...)

Went to siegfried and roys secret garden today to follow up our educational visit to shark reef yesterday. it was all very nice but siegfried and roys recordings of their love for the animals bordered on the overzealous. you almost expected roy to say ' von day i was in de garden with kimba the white tiger and we developed chust by making loooove' Charming.

I must have had a dodgy lunch today because i was absolutely in dire need to use the bathroom. now i usually won't sit down in a public restroom but this time i had no choice, so i ran into the bathroom, scrabbled at the toilet paper like a wild animal and wrapped it around the toilet seat and hovered above it. all done (ew) i flushed (twice - silly incompetent flushing system) and came out of the cubicle to an array of glares and stares. in my haste i had run into the womens bathroom. oops.

We went to a gay club tonight. it was interesting to me to see how the culture differs on the diff sides of the atlantic. Case in point - if it had been a gay pride event in england (which it was in vegas) everyone would have been dressed up to the nines (what does that mean) and the place and dancefloor would've been packed. The club was semi full and the dance floor only half full with 'creative' movers and people in shorts and a tshirt (a fashion no no in england). But i have always liked gay clubs for being somewhere where you can wear what you like and express yourself so that is the same the world over. Hurrah for that...

Posted by Paul 5:47 am 0 comments  

The Holiday Diaries: Los Angeles/Las Vegas May 2004 - Day 12

Wednesday 12th May 2004
Started the day by discovering that Darren has been using my toothbrush by mistake since we arrived in the states. How positively vile. There are some things that are sacred and are private. We don't use the bathroom with the door open and we don't have showers together (its not sensual - its washing dirt off your body!) and we don't share toothbrushes. Having said that, I was too lazy to buy a new one, so I just rinsed it under the tap good and proper...
We went to see mamma mia in the evening. a musical based on the abba songs. Well i say based on the the abba songs - it has the abba songs in and then they tenuously link together a story about a girls upcoming wedding. The story is basically this - this stroppy moo of a daughter who is getting married, wants her dad to give her away. Her mom (dressed in prisoner cell block h chic dungas) was a bit of a goer in her youth so can only narrow it down to three men who of course all turn up at the wedding.Turns out no one has heard of dna testing so they all decide to be her dad. Bless. The show was really good, but the mom could not hit some of the high notes so it was painful to listen to bits of it. I have never experienced that in a theatre before. The finale was the best when the cast sang waterloo and the audience danced and twirled like the dancing queens they were...
We were getting petrol/gas after - i was working the pump (a natural talent ) and darren was sat in the car. This verbal fight broke out between two random guys - it was mutha a this and punk ass bitch that. It was when i heard the one guy shout 'the last guy that dissed me got cut. bad' Well naturally i was concerned that people still use the word dissed and expect to be taken seriously. I was also concerned that i would be in the middle of a vicious fight. My biggest concern, however, was that at the first sign of danger, Darren actually locked himself in the car, locking me out!!!! You could almost see the life insurance $$$£££ pop up in his eyes
Darrens feet are so manky at the moment - he has blisters all over them like he has walked the himilayas (sp?) It hurts every time he walks so when we went to see Sirens - the free show outside the Treasure Island hotel, he had two margharitas to numb the pain - except he drank them so fast he gave himself heartburn. Seconds before we decided not to see the show because of the doubled over pain he was in, some guy touched his arse and did the head toe head appraisal look. I was outraged and decided to express my severe displeasure by fixing him with a stare that i believe adequately conveyed my sentiments of 'how dare you mack on my man' Sadly darren later told me the look was more of a 'oooo get you mother girl - stay away from my man'. Damn

Posted by Paul 11:41 am 0 comments  

The Holiday Diaries: Los Angeles/Las Vegas May 2004 (days 9-11)

Sunday 9 th May 2004
Our california dreaming is over as we set off on the loong loong (and did i mention it was loooooong) drive to the vegas. Once again, it was really hot. That combined with the long drive made it a long hot day. There is, however, something completely satisfying about whizzing down the open road with your favourite songs blasting out. Even if your t shirt is sticking to your back and you are stuck to the back of your chair... And Darren won't let you put on a whole Deb cd (he is so Deb loving deficient - i am wearing him down slowly but surely. He knows the words now when songs come on) Did i mention it was a long hot drive?
Am in a pyramid shaped room (well one side anyway) at the Luxor - there are sarcophagus' everywhere and hieroglyphics. Very walk like an egyptian. Wonder why atomic kitten never covered that song?
Not really much to report as most of day was driving. Not a good idea to drive with windows down - bugs bitchslap you and then die on your face. Lovely...
Monday 10th may 2004
We seriously had t do some washing of underwear today. The hotel was far too posh to have a laundrette and i was certainly not paying dry cleaning prices ($4 per under garment!!) so we took it upon ourselves to venture into the real vegas and find a local washateria. After driving past several body shaped chalk outlines on the pavement we came upon a charming little place downtown that looked like it was gang central for the jets and the sharks who were busy practising their street dance fight move outside. We tried to inconspiciously enter. As inconspicuosly as you can when you are dragging a large suitcase full of clothes in one hand and a book called 'Faerie Wars' in the other...
Once inside, 'twas uneventful and the washing got done as quickly as we could will the machines to spin round. There were lots of signs on the walls forbidding you to do lots of things like 'do not wash hair in machines' 'watch clothes in dryers as they may catch fire' and 'do not wash self in bathroom'. You hope people would disregard that last one a little and at least wash their hands otherwise it would be most unhygenic...
Gamble and sleep seemed to be the main order of the day so we went out and hit the 5 cent video poker in the evening. When I pulled out of the parking space to drive back to the Luxor, i shot forward thinking it would be quicker just to go straight ahead. it wasn't - there were huge concrete blocks to stop you going that way and there was some hefty bumper banging before i slammed on the brakes, wedging the blocks between the car wheels. YIKES! I had to drive very slowly to get the back wheels over, only to realise there was no way out that way so had to drive back over them to get out on the original side, scraping the undercarriage all the way. BLOODY HELL!!!!!!
Tuesday 11th May 2004
Why oh why would you pay good money to see a show and then just chat very loudly all the way through to your equally rude friends?? There are some places i fell that you should be quiet - like the queue for the coffee this morning. This terribly rude british woman was quite vocal about the fact that you just couldn't order a 'regular' coffee (even though the price board clearly said ' house coffee') "Oh bloody nora, i just want a black coffee not a flaming caramel merrypocahontiati latte - its just perfectly atrocious" I was scared to speak when i got to the counter in case people associated me with her so i had to put on a dreadful american accent which in retrospect, was probably more offensive to people than being linked with the harpy behind me.
Despite the noisy frat bro's, the legends in concert show was quite good. And we got to sit with nice people. Even though the old guy was convince that we were on the town to find some nice girls. Sweet. its been a long time since anyone assumed i was heterosexual. LAst time we were in vegas in nov 2002, a cigar chomping guy kept saying charming things to us like' i'll take you to grab some titties and slap some dollars on a hookers ass'. I didn't know what to say except 'how terribly bill clinton of you...' I have never moved so fast after a show before.
The legends show was impersonators of people like Tom Jones, the Beatles and Elvis. Even though it was obvious that the performers weren't the actual stars, but older less attractive (if fine sounding) substitutes, this fact seemed to escape several otherwise perfectly sane middle aged women. One group of ladies (all dressed in pink) were screaming like teenagers and the old crone next to me was clapping her hands like a demented seal. Crazy! Several cream pies were laid in ladies knickers that night... (TOO GROSS???)
The aretha soundalike was too concerned about her vocal acrobatics and held every night for about two minutes. In the end you just wanted to shout 'shut up and get on with it' But then she sang respect and everyone sang along. R-E-S-P-E-C-T - find out what it means to me - but then everyone got confused and sort of mumbled R-E-S-P-E-C-T take me some TCP - or found on my new cd - but then it was back to full volume for 'sock it to me' etc. Phew...

Posted by Paul 8:08 am 0 comments  

The Holiday Diaries: Los Angeles/Las Vegas May 2004 (Day Eight)

Friday 7th May 2004

Saw the new Hugh Jackman movie today - he plays a guy who can't remember his past yet seems to exhibit superhuman powers (godly in this case) and has a weird connection to the films villain. Oh wait that's Hugh in XMen. Oh wait, no its Hugh in Van Helsing (hello Buff, The Vampire Slayer). So much better than the dreadful ride based on it at universal studios...

Am exhausted - spent 12 hours at Disney's California Adventure. As I write Darren is moaning because i want to get todays entry written up and he wants to go to bed. I gently remind him that the other night when he was watching Matt somebody interview the Friends cast, I had to try and go to sleep. He then retorted that I did nothing but complain about the noise. Selective memory much? He knows full well that I once (after an hour) said 'ooo it's whisper quiet' and that has now turned into complaining all night. Bless. Can't blame him - I can be a right little moaner...

Talking of moaners, on the coach back from Disney to our hotel, we were in front of this positively dreadful couple who did nothin but moan and criticise all the way back. Now I am all for sarcasm and bitterness and cynicism, but come on!! We were on our way back from the happiest place on earth (it was today too - the Aladdin musical and Electric [Youth] Parade were enchanting). I turned round and said 'as much as I enjoy your hate filled incessant chatter, do shut up or I will have to put your teeth down your throat.' If i was feeling particularly manly I would have said bee-atch at the end. But of course I didn't really say any of that - I am far too puny to carry out such a threat, so I just stayed quiet and inwardly seethed.

OOOO - tables turned. Some annoying bint in one of the lines today was jabbering on about Lemony Snicket (love those books) and how her 6th grade class were reading at an 8th grade level. I don't think she was saying it to praise her class, more like fishing for compliments herself. Anyhoo she found my 'Wrath of the math summing to get you' tshirt (which a math major friend at SUNY Geneseo gave me) 'hilarious'. Its my least stylish tshirt but who cares! In your face Tuesdays tshirt wearing Darren!!!!!

Posted by Paul 3:41 am 0 comments  

The Holiday Diaries: Los Angeles/Las Vegas May 2004 - Day Six

Thursday 6th May 2004

Another day at universal studios doing all the stuff we didn't get to do on tuesday. However, the real deal of the day was that it was our anniversary. Our 4th anniversary. our universalry if you will... i am the master of remembering anniversaries and birthdays and special moments, etc, but for some insane reason I didn't get a card. And even worse Darren got me a beautiful card. So I spent the day mired in guilt, pretending that I had actually got a card until we were at Wal mart and Darren was looking at sour apple chews (ACK) and i had to crawl commando style across the candy aisles until I reached the cards. And of course they are all covered in f***ing glitter and completely ugly. And I only have like two seconds to choose and smuggle it to the checkout....At the end of the day I think it was my beautiful words that bought the card to life. There's no one like my darren :)

FRIENDS:It must be really difficult to cap off a tv show that has run for ten years, but i think the writers did a really good job - wrapping up the chick/duck story, gunthers lover for rachel, the end of the foosball table, a tender Chandler/Joey moment (Choey) and of course Ross and Rachel getting back together. Is it wrong that I will miss them so much?One quick thought - in england we get four ad breaks per hour and we know when they will be every fifteen minutes - quarter after, half past, quarter to and on the hour. USA has so many commercial breaks it did sometimes feel like the writers were writing stuff just to fit around the commercials - none of which were very good, and all of which got in the way of my emotional attachement to the show. I did, however, get tears when Chandler and Joey said goodbye and seeing the six walk out and leave the empty apartment was heart rendering and beautiful. And i will have to relive it all again on my annual friends season finale/big brother first night party at the end of may in england...

NEXT ON PAULS USA ADVENTURES....revenge on tuesdays darren! moaning? surely not??Hugh Jackman!!!tune in same bat time same bat channel...

Posted by Paul 1:03 pm 0 comments  

The Holiday Diaries: Los Angeles/Las Vegas May 2004 - Day Five

Wednesday 5th May 2004

Its a small world after all. It's a small world after all. It's a small small world. As great as that ride is at disneyland, I kind of wanted to swallow my tongue to end the madness. its a world of fun and a world of tears. AARRGGHHSeriously,, Disneyland was very magical. I kept singing 'how magical our magic is' - which i know is a song of Deborah Gibson's but for the life of me cannot place right now. Grrr.

Temperature of course was creeping up again so around lunch time I dragged Darren to see a theatrical production of Snow White in some much needed shade. I have a soft spot for the dwarves and have seven of them sitting on my bed at home. I truly believe they talk to each other when i am not there It was actually very good and made the spiderman musical seem even worse in retrospect. We were sitting about fifteen rows from the front and this mad old grandma in front got up as the cast took their final bow and waved her autograph book. I seriously think she wanted it signed... For a split second you could see Snow White's botoxed on smile almost falter (all Disney cast members have to have their smiles botoxed on, it is Disney law) and her eyes said 'oh sure granny, I will leap across the audience in my ridiculously heavy gown and sign some grotty piece of paper and then leap back without getting hassled by anyone else...' But of course she didn't , her soulless eyes and fixed smile returned and she waved and waltzed off into the sunset with her prince charming.

The rides were a lot of fun. I did notice one thing - i had on my extremely in this year pink t shirt on and was strutting around in an i'm comfortable with my sexuality and am jolly sexy thankyou very much sort of way. And what happens??? everyone comments on darrens tshirt (which i bought him) just because it has some japanese writing on (possibly rude/insulting judging from the giggles from the japanese tourists). I wanted to be noticed too! Feeling insecure and wanting an ego stroke i tried this kissometer machine thingymadoowaht. Weirdly it is astick that you clasp with your hand and nothing to do with your actual (very good so i am told) kissing skills. All that lip moistening for nothing. I only got 20 out of 100! 20!!!!! I am a fantastic kisser thankyou very much - that machine knows piss all. Darren can barely keep his tongue out of my mouth. In fact he almost woke me up that way this morning. I say almost because he wont kiss me on the mouth (like pretty woman) unless i have cleaned my teeth first. So it was mainly fingers and thumbs Must keep a mint under my pillow! But i digress.....

On the way out of the park, this woman/castmember (botoxed smile) asked Darren (ignoring me despite fabbo pink tshirt) all these questions about his day in a very monosyllabic voice. She was like a robot, not understanding darrens accent 'does not compute does not compute' blink three times and power down...

Posted by Paul 4:27 pm 0 comments  

The Holiday Diaries: Los Angeles/Las Vegas May 2004 - Day Four

Tuesday 4th May 2004

Lovely day at Universal studios. Weather so much cooler than yesterday so not walking around with slimy smooth sweat skin and tshirt stuck to my back. Mmmm, raunchy!There are some really great things at Universal Studios. A live action show of Waterworld is great (and with an audience capacity of 1000 means that already more people today have seen it than saw the movie )The cast are introduced as 'as seen in Law and Order' or 'as seen in Pirates of the Caribbean'. You do get the feeling that if you go up to them and asked who they were, they may say 'Pirate number 11'and out of politeness you go 'ooo you were great, so much better than pirate number ten' and they are standing there nodding, lapping up every word, thinking 'hey thats what my mom says too...'

Jurassic Park the water ride is also great - huge drop at the end. Darren and I were in front of this game old bird, Betty, whose last words as she went over the drop were 'I should have bought a maaaaaccccc'. her perm didn't move a millimetre.

Find of the day was the special effects show - the hosts Paul and Martin were so camp they made me look butch. paul blatently ignored my little Darren when asking if anyone was from abroad. I like to think it was because Paul saw him and fell deeply in love and was afraid that if he spoke to him it would betray his true feelings.

Spiderman rock and roll musical was dreadful. Sure, holding out for a hero worked sort of as an anthem for peter parker (stunning pecs on the guy who played him!!) but having the potential rapists of Mary Jane sing She Bangs wass just wrong. Wronger than William Hung singing it. And that is some serious wrong.

Ended off the day watching 13 going on 30. how incandescent was jennifer garner - and her best friend matty turned out to be her best hottie when he grew up. Mark something or other is the foxy beast actor. read is a magazine he survived a brain tumor - hot and a survivor :)

Posted by Paul 9:54 am 0 comments  

The Holiday Diaries: Los Angeles/Las Vegas (Day three)

Monday 3rd may 2004

Just a short one today - the hotel is phenomenal. Puts those common Hiltons to shame. As Hilary Duff says they are so yesterday. Room is absolutely cavenous and on the plus side none of the staff have seen me naked or know anything about the size of darrens *ahem* manhood. On the downside, realised that I am in Orange County and not one of the reception staff has said 'Welcome to the o.c. bitch' and punched me in the gob. Television can be so misleading...

Darren and I both woke really early due to our patriotism keeping us on british time for far too long. I was furious with cousin Jetlag (the evil spawn of Father Time and Mother Nature obviously...) and my anger soon spread to old ma nature herself. it was well over 100 degrees today. So hot! Really, is there any need for it to be that hot. i walked around in a hazy daze of summer. Six Flags (where we were for the day) was surprisingly empty - probably because everyone was in air conditioned malls. I swear its true that only mad dogs and englishmen go out in the midday sun. oh and this foul girl who kept spitting her excess phlegm out and had her ample rear packed in to far too short green shorts. Kylie or Beyonce she was not. And green shorts??? Whatever...

Just realised I am now officially 30. Checked mirror. Still think i only look 26 and three quarters. Phew.

Darren looks like sh*t. I think the poor lamb has heat sickness. he has consumed about nine gallons of water. His belly is with child. he should perk up tomorrow the little trooper....

Posted by Paul 8:07 am 0 comments  

The Holiday Diaries: Los Angeles/Las Vegas May 2004 - Day Two (Part Three)

Sunday may 2nd 2004 - the aeroplane (still!)

EVEN LATER!!!I seriously cannot take Darren anywhere without him spilling omething on himself. We were in Spain once and he was quite drunk. Now when Darren gets drunk he is extremely horny. Before he gets horny however, he gets hungry and is consumed by, well, an all consuming passion for something fat and greasy. no, i mean a cheeseburger of course! So he stops by this street vendors cart that you wouldn't feed a dog from and buys this incredibly fatty and greasy looking cheeseburger. I am pushing him down the street as his legs seem to lose the inability to walk when he is intoxicated. The burger is everywhere, pavement, hands tshirt... its not until darren has scooped some curious looking greenish melted tshirt into his mouth off his tshirt, that i realise a bird is pooping on him as we speak. And he has scooped the lot into his mouth. EW EW EW! Still what you don't know can't hurt you...

Anyway, back to the plane - darren manages to get through his sausage kobler without any spillages. The chocolate mousse is a different story. As soon as he takes the top off the brown gunk explodes all over his beige t shirt. This is worse than the bird poo - because it looks like real poo. i, between my barely masked smirks, advise him to dab at it with club soda - the miracle cure for everything on aeroplanes. he does so with his yellow serviette. bad Idea. He now has two yellow brownish circles with browner centres alarmingly placed where his nipples are. At least people are staring at him now....

EVEN LATER STILL!!!I do not deal with turbulence well. It was a particularly bumpy landing and i thought my heart would fail when an oxygen mask came down from above my head. I realise now that i may have overreacted when i creamed in a high pitched voice 'Oh Sweet baby Jesus, no!' and grabbed the mask, placing it over my head and taking in deep breaths of precious life. Especially as my oxygen mask was the only one to come down on the whole plane, due to a loose screw. Back to staring at me.

Coming soon - the first real day in america...

Posted by Paul 11:54 am 2 comments  

The Holiday Diaries: Los Angeles/Las Vegas May 2004 (day two, part two)

How simple do the staff of Virgin Atlantic flight 023 think their passengers are? You get on at the front of thee plane and some perfectly coiffered barbie/ken doll informs you that your seat is up the aisle in the only direction you can go! Hardly mentally stimulating...

I always get a seat behind some really heavy guy - the one who you think has his chair in the reclined position until he actually puts the chair in the recline position and you are suddenly pinned down by the dinner tray until a kindly steward sets you free. This steward would be the impossibly named Dale Toy. Seriously. Makes a change from the ridiculously top heavy (and less lyrically named) Eleanor Wanklin whose boobs threaten to suffocate me as she leans across to pour darren a coffee. I have an inexplicable urge for milk and realise that my mouth is opn millimetres away from her inappropriately erect nipples (although i am a hottie). Luckily she was too busy with her taking pouring coffee duties to notice...

There is something about cabin pressure that makes my nose bleed profusely and today proved to be no exception. Blood started gushing at alarming speeds from my right nostril and when i had successfully decorated three hankies in autumnal red, Darren had had enough and pressed the attendant call button. Mercifully I get Mr Toy who looks at me like i am a leper and scurries off for more help. At this point i estimate that i have lost pints of blood and start to feel very light headed. I was somewhat aware that Toyboy and Wanklin have returned and are jamming all sorts of things white at my nostril. I close my eyes hoping it would all go away and curse all the nosey bastards finding me far more interesting that the flights poor choice of movies....

SOMETIME LATER...I must have fainted (translation: nodded off) and awake somewhat bleary eyed and in need of the bathroom. I join the line of people who continue to stare at the freak with the nosebleed. I finally get to the front of the line and enter the tiny cubicle (how and why people have sex in here is beyond me). First rule of thumb: make sure you have your shoes on when you go to the bathroom. I took mine off and realise with horror that my socks are now soaking up what i can only pray is water on the toilet floor. What have people been doing in here??? The horror felt by this vileness is replaced by the worse when i glance in the mirror and realise that either Toyboy or Wanklin has jammed what i can only pray is a clean tampon up my right nostril....

To be continued...

Posted by Paul 12:18 am 0 comments  

The Holiday Diaries: Los Angeles/Las Vegas May 2004 - Day Two (part one)

After checking out of hotel in baseball cap and sunglasses (due to paranoia that newly homophobic Ian (or newly gay curious) (hey can you have parenthesis within parenthesis) has outed me to entire reception staff), its time to catch the coach to the airport. Coach is so full that darren and i are separated (oh the heartache). Darren sits next to this group of men who look like they would club him like a baby seal if they knew he was man on man inclined. I get mr Average american and his latest purchase, a miserable looking and much younger Thai bride (1985 model) Thai bride isn't enjoying the coach journey, so i spend the next forty minutes trying to ignore her wretching her phlegm into a kwik-save bag. i feel it is futile to point out that the bag has a hole at the bottom and most of the mucas cocktail is dripping over her crimpoline skirt.

At the start of the film Love ...actually, hunky prime minister Hugh Grant narrates that the airport is a great place to see people full of hope, love and anticipation. That is so true. Today, however, the airport isn't quite as idyllic as the film makes out. instead it is full of people rushing and pushing and complaining that there are too many people in line at starbucks. Oh well. I choose only to see the magic until a tiny spanish woman swings her backpack onto her shoulder (which surely must be full of potatoes it is so heavy), knocks me flying and then mutters something rude AT ME!!! I am soon as bitter and twisted as everyone else.

The toffifee candy in duty free reminds of the time i bought 3 boxes of the stuff and darren told me that i had to eat them all before i got on the plane due to custom restrictions. I was begrudgingly plowing through box three (I certainly wasn't going to waste any at £3.75 per box) before darren admitted he had made it up. I was very unattracted to him for several minutes and have been able to look at a toffifee since...Flight is finally called and we excitedly trot down to the plane. Even a slightly unflattering reflection of me in the mirrored wall (slight paunch, blotchy skin) fails to dampen my enthusiasm. Surely must be fun house mirror as I work out religiously (Christmas, Easter, Chrismukkah, rashashan kwanza etc)

Part two of day two (the aeroplane) to follow...

Posted by Paul 4:57 am 0 comments  

The Holiday Diaries: Los Angeles/Las Vegas - May 2004 (Day One)

Saturday may 1st 2004 - drive down to airport was slow and boring. have checked into one of paris' dads hotels at the gatwick Airport. The room is massive - no wonder Paris is forced to do tv shows like the simple life. There can't be much profit on this room. While Darren was investigating the cavernous bathroom, i wrote him a saucy note ('you have a massive love muscle ) to hide under his pillow as a joke, but he came out too soon so i didn't have time to hide it had to abandon after drawing an associated visual...

Later... OH MY GOD! am absolutely mortified. Was lying in gigantic double bed (which has to be the size of my entire upstairs at home) sans clothes, when there is a knock at the door. Sent darren to answer it as he is dressed - and you can't see the bed from the door. Turns out it was one of the hotel staff getting his numbers wrong. Darren decides to ask him about the shower (as it has come off the wall) so he has quick look. he then decides to call reception about it and walks round the corner and sees me naked (apart from quickly and strategically placed sheet) leaning on my hand like some F***ing gay aphrodite watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire. For a second our eyes lock and I'm not sure who went redder - him or naive looking Ian who couldn't be a day over seventeen...he shuffles over to the phone while i try to make myself look as invisible as possible. Poor ian stares at the phone for about an hour (ten seconds), mumbles something about it being broken and literally runs out of the room.

I leap out of bed, put some clothes on and start yelling at Darren about letting him in while i was in bed when he could have sent him away - a 'sorry wrong room' type of deal. My eyes fall to the allegedly broken phone and to my extreme horror, see that in big letters right next to said phone is a note saying 'Darren has a massive love muscle' with lewd and charming accompanying picture. Oh. My. god.

No wonder Ian ran from the room like a squealing pig - if he wasn't homophobic before he will be now! (or curious!!)

Part two of 17 (!) tomorrow

Posted by Paul 8:36 am 3 comments